Seriously. What the fuck.

This week in "Are You Fucking Kidding Me?!" news:

Tonight I walked up to a table (a couple with two children) with some drinks, and it seemed that the husband had no idea I was there- for a moment, I was invisible. I'm sure of it, and I'll be working on my superhero costume for the rest of the weekend.

When I first went to this table, the husband and son were in the bathroom. The wife ordered drinks, I went and got them, and I returned at pretty much the same time as the guys. They sat down as I started handing out drinks and the husband looked at the wife and said, "The bathroom was atrocious so he (son) pissed on the floor."

I did not exist to him at this moment. I'm sure of it. He never looked at me and he had no shame. I handed out the drinks and told them (the wife really) that I'd give them a minute with the menus. They showed no shame.

First of all, my "task" today was bathrooms. Literally ten minutes earlier, I was in the men's room cleaning up. I wiped down the counter and made sure that there was no trash on the floor. So "atrocious" may have been a stretch, douchebag. Meanwhile, I ran to my boss and he went into the men's room to check on it and clean up if need be. True story: there was actually a fucking puddle of pee in front of the toilet.

I continued waiting on this table and they made no more mention of it and showed no visible sign of good manners or respect. They tipped me $11 on a $60 bill; not awful, but you let your fucking kid piss on the floor. Come on now.

Awesome!

Sorry about the lapse, sometimes life gets in the way. Anyhow-

Yesterday I was waitressing lunch and three teenage boys came in; they were definitely the "punk" looking types, but friendly.  Generally, teenagers in my restaurant are kind of rude and bad customers, because they just don't get it. Not that it's an excuse, but that's the case usually.

The boys each got a mountain dew and wanted 25 cent wings. First I had to make them move tables, because they were in the dining room and happy hour is only in the bar. They were great and brought everything from the table with them- People always leave all of that stuff for me to re-serve to them! They each had like three soda refills and they were super polite and grateful every time I brought one. They were just good kids.

When they left, I went back to the table and found that they had put all of their trash onto one plate so they could stack them all up neatly, and they arranged their NINE soda cups in a nice little square. ADORABLE. They also left me a $10 tip on a $25 bill.

Thank you, boys with strange haircuts, for restoring my faith in teenagers :)

It's been quite a week.

First of all, if you are going to lay across your table to make out during dinnertime, please tip more than 8%. A $5 tip on a $60 bill is unacceptable, period.

Now, moving on. I have "Please see ID" on the back of my debit cards, as do many of my customers. I have it for a purpose. I do not want someone else to be able to run into a store or restaurant and use my card, duh. Whenever I run a debit or credit card, I look at the back. If it is signed or blank, I just go for it. If it asks for an ID, I check the name and ask for an ID.

The other day, a guy came in to pick up some to go food. I looked at the back of the ID and saw the request, and as I was turning to ask him for ID I realized it was a woman's name. He said, "well it's my girlfriend's card. Do you want to talk to her?" And motioned to his phone. Well no, speaking to someone over the phone isn't a valid ID.

I felt like I should not take the card, but went to check with my manager. She agreed, and I went back to inform the guy. He got real sassy and said, "she sent me to pick up the food, so she isn't here." And asked again if I wanted him to call her. Being that I could call just about anyone and say, "hey, say your name is (blank)!" I reiterated that either his girlfriend could come show ID, or he could pay in another form.

Eventually he stormed out and she showed up within 30 seconds, what a hassle for them! Later in the night, he called to speak to a manager. He swore at her and was generally unpleasant before hanging up on her. Protip: no one is going to take your complaints seriously if you are throwing a temper tantrum.

You chose to write "See ID" on your card and I did as you wished. You're welcome, bitches.

There IS Good in the World!

Last night I bartended and most of the night was smooth and easy.  Towards the end of the night, three older guys came in and one of them went from zero to obnoxious in two coors lights. He became rude and loud and stupid, and I did my best not to tell him to shut the hell up :) There was a nice young couple sitting nearby who gave me several sympathetic looks and were generally lovely.

The young couple left money on their tab and told me it was all set,  and the boyfriend thanked me for being great. I looked back and said, "thank you for being lovely!" and he laughed. As they were leaving, I picked up their tab and saw that it said

Sorry about them ---->
We feel your pain

Hilarious and adorable, I shot them another look and a loud thank you and they laughed and left. Upon closing their tab, I realized they left me a $20 tip on a $50 bill.

And with that, they restored my faith in humanity. And in humor. :)

Reflects Attitude.

I recently had a busy lunch shift waitressing. As I was greeting a table, the woman suddenly got very huffy about something and said that she touched something sticky under the table. I immediately offered wetnaps and ran to get them. Really though, you're a grown ass lady- get up and wash your hands. I got her the wetnaps, then got them drinks, answered several questions in a helpful manner and took their order, all as usual. As I was taking the menus away she pointed to her pile of gross napkins and said, "you need to take these." with a dismissive hand gesture. Okay, great, because the table next to you looks like they need something but I'm not going over there with this in my hand. I took all of her garbage (and she never actually washed her hands!) and realized that she probably thought she was above me. I remained polite and cordial (but I didn't push being friendly on her because she wasn't having it) and their food came out quickly and accurate to their order. Things went alright, we just weren't BFFs.

They paid their bill and left quickly and I just felt it. I could feel it right away. Not only would I not get a good tip, I was guessing she left me a bitchy little note.

Their credit card tip read, "Reflects service." and under it, she repeated the exact cost of their lunch for the total. Here's the thing- fuck you. The service was adequate, polite, and professional. You just didn't like me.

We Are Not Friends.

Lately I've had a lot of interrupters. People who just scream demands at me while I'm clearly in the midst of helping someone else. You are rude. I understand not wanting to wait more than thirty goddamned seconds for something, but really now. Come on.

The worst of these are the people who ask regulars what my name is and then proceed to scream it. Are you kidding me? You're not helping your cause, and you're pissing me off. I walk up and down the bar looking at every customer and checking on everyone as soon as I have a free second, so please do not scream my name and your demand when I'm clearly busy, if you can be the teensiest bit patient I will do my best to get to you in the next minute. Fucking relax.

Poor Dumb Idiot.

Tonight I had a couple guys come in who seemed a little stupid and maybe trashy, but harmless. I gave them each a beer and they got some food, and then someone else served them a couple of beers each. After that third round, my boss came over to me to warn me about some drunk guys at my bar.

The worse of the two tried ordering more beers and I said, "I think you guys are all set for tonight." and they seemed to handle it well, but I think they just had delayed reaction times by this point. The worse then says, "Well can we at least get our tab then?!" The thing is, we keep tabs in front of every customer at all times. When they got their very first beers, I put a tab in a little cup in front of them and told them it was their tab. Then I ordered their food, threw away their tab, printed a new one, and put that one in front of them. I turned away to put something on the shelf behind me and I hear this incredulous, "EXCUSE ME! I don't think this is my tab."

I turned around to see this dumbass looking at our wine list, which is in a leather bound book and clearly has headings like "Red Wine" and "Coffee Drinks" on each page. I couldn't slow my mouth down and spit out, "Well yeah, that's a wine list." ....And then my other customers openly laughed.

After complaining to my boss about being cut off, the other guy ended up yelling at me and making an ass of himself, proving only further that I was right to cut them off. But in the end, the wine list idiot wins as the highlight of my night and I'm not even upset that these trashy jerks caused a scene and tipped me zero dollars on their $60+ tab.

Something Wonderful!

My bar recently had a fundraiser for our Relay for Life team. I asked to bartend so that I could donate all of my tips. Normally that shift can rack in about $200 in tips, but I was hoping people would tip a little extra for the charity, so I was really aiming for closer to $300.

Of course, friends and family came in and gave me some money and some regulars came to chip in, but the generosity of strangers was amazing.  I worked six hours and made almost FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!

Lately I've been loving the bar extra, and this totally clinched it.

Lions and tigers and... Bikers? Oh shit.

A few days ago we had a swarm of bikers come through town for a memorial ride. That's pretty cool, I'm all for memorial things. However, they all piled into the bar and proceeded to almost ruin my day. I spent the better part of two hours muttering, "These people are fucking animals."

First, after about half of them were in there and I had ordered all of their drinks, one guy joined the table closest to the door. He had been inside for about five seconds and hadn't even sat down yet, but apparently he was just parched. He yelled from five tables away to get my attention. That's a loud yell in the middle of a nice quiet lunch crowd.

At another table, there were two women and a man. One of the women is a regular who none of us really care for. Turns out, her friends are far worse. The other woman would not look up from her phone to order another beer or answer a single question. I ended up asking the regular things for the whole table because I just don't deal with that. Even she seemed to acknowledge how rude it was, and we always thought she didn't even know what manners are. The man at this table took to yelling come ons at my (married) hostess. He and the texter bothered her every time she walked by, yelling things like "He wants your number!" "No, she wants your number!" "No, he wants to take you home!" Charming, grown ups.

A third table had a bill of $42.75. They left me $45 total. Thanks guys!


The bar wasn't even my section that night, but I got stuck out there for the first couple hours of dinner because I was lucky enough to have to take these bikers because the other waitress wasn't there yet. I walked out after a seven hour shift with barely over $100 and I blame them. I will say, I had one couple sitting at their own table who were so lovely, they alone kept my spirits up. Thanks lovely couple, I'm glad you loved your pizza!

Awkward.

The local Bureau-of-trying-to-fuck-up-my-day tried to run a sting on me the other day! Not me specifically, my bar, but I ended up being the target.

Around 6 pm, they sent a young kid in to buy a bud light. Here's the problem, sillies, this kid was about 8 feet tall with braces and freckles, looking all of 15. He walked in the door with money already in his hand, sat in the very first stool, and quickly ordered the lamest beer we have. Also, two other local bars had already called to warn us that there was a sting going around town. I asked him for his ID and he super casually told me he didn't have it, like I'd be like, "NBD bro! Here's your bud light!" Nope. In the time it took me to refuse him service, he made a break for the front door and disappeared into the early afternoon sunlight.

Killed it! Get out of here, you sneaky fuckers.

Tabs.

At the bar, we can run a tab for you all night no matter how much or how little you drink. It's a simple little convenience for both of us; it makes our lives easier, don't you agree? Yet, night after night, people insist on running their credit card repeatedly. These aren't the people who are wary of leaving their credit card safely behind the bar with responsible professionals, these are the people who tell me sixteen times in one night, "Oh no, this is going to be it and then we're leaving. I'll just close out." NO. Just leave your tab open for pete's sake!

On Friday night, one woman ran her card three separate times in four minutes. She thought it was funny. Do you know what we have to do at 2:00am after we've shooed you out the door and sat down for the first time in eleven hours? We have to make sure that every single credit card transaction has the right tip entered into the computer, then we have to make sure that all of those credit card slips are in the correct order. Do you know how quickly those slips add up when customers insist on running their credit card for every single beer?


Oh, and as an added annoyance-  I understand buying a beer and leaving the $0.50 or $0.75 change as a tip because maybe you don't have small bills or your hands are full and it's easier. Fine, it's one beer. However, when you close your tab and it is only one beer, I find it awkward and annoying to go to the trouble of writing out $0.50 on the tip line. Really? You couldn't just round up and give us a buck? I can't even explain the difference, but it's enough to induce a little rage at 2am.

How I'm feeling this week.

First of all- Shut the fuck up about coke vs pepsi.
We have Pepsi products. I don't like them, I understand that you don't like them, but shut the fuck up because I can't change it. That stupid ecard about "Is pepsi okay? ... Is monopoly money okay?" is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen and I can't believe how many waitresses repost it. At the very least, please don't act like I'm Hitler for forcing the wrong kind of soda on you. Here's a thought: just get a water, your body will thank you.

On a soda note, I'm hardcore judging you if your kid is young enough to need a sippy cup and you're letting them fill it with soda. WTF. I don't want to get all Jillian Michaels on you, but really wtf. Your kid has no idea what kind of choice they're making and they won't give a shit if they get something else. Do not let a teeny little kid opt for soda. WTF, for real.

And on that note, I have to be even more judgmental for a second. Last weekend I had a family come in for brunch. They were all fairly heavy but I honestly don't get judgey at surface level- who knows what their story is, and it's not my business. I did, however, start judging when the 8 year old who looked about my size got a soda for breakfast. AND THEN, her mom very proudly said, "we limit her, she's only allowed two desserts." No. Just no.

I realize this is far beyond off topic for waitressing and bartending, but holy fuck the bad choices I witness go far beyond having one too many drinks.

Just don't be a jerk!

There is a middle aged couple that comes in fairly often and they are strange and kind of unpleasant but not quite negative. Just not great. They came in at like 3:30pm today, when it was broad daylight outside and bright and sunny inside the bar. Before I could even try to be friendly, the woman gruffly asked, "can you turn the lights down in here?!" To which I tried to respond, "I can't change the lights but I'll ask my manager." Except she interrupted me to tell me that she had a blinding headache and the lights needed to be turned down.

First of all, if you have a blinding headache, why would you go to a bar?

So I reiterated that I'd ask my manager and asked if they wanted drinks. The husband said, "well why don't you go see about the lights and then we'll tell you?" and in such a tone. Luckily I only had a few other customers at the bar and they were wicked friendly and fun. So I go and get my manager to fix the lights and all I can hear is the woman bitching, the entire hour+ that they were there. Oh, I also heard her make a comment about it being 4:20. So your interests are being a miserable hag and smoking pot? Lovely.

Long story short, I am willing to do most anything for a friendly customer, there is no reason to be horrible and rude!

OJ? No-J.

We used to have a regular who would come in late at night, order an orange juice, and pound it. Then he'd go to the bathroom (secret vodka nips, anyone?). Then he'd get another OJ and pound it. He was eccentric but not bothersome.

(Part of the story I didn't know about at the time: he once came in with a huge sword and tried showing it off before he was asked to leave.)

A month or two back, he had two OJs and his credit card was declined. My coworker (R) was working alone that night and the man never paid. He came back the next week and R was working alone again, the guy asked for an OJ and R told him that he could have it if he paid for the two he already owed for. The guy went nuts, yelling and being generally inappropriate.

Then it happened again the next week.

A few weeks ago, the guy came in while I was bartending alone and I had about four people at my bar, luckily all my friends. He made a big show of asking for R, then paying for two OJs. He hollered and made a scene about how he "PAYS [HIS] TABS!" and then left.

Last night he came back and R refused to serve him anything and the guy flipped out again. I seriously spent the rest of my night worrying about this crazypants coming back with his sword! Hopefully we don't see him anymore.

Good job, grownup.

My coworker refused to serve a woman the other night, and the man with her acknowledged that she didn't need to be served but asked about himself. He was also refused. The two got up and walked out and the woman gave us the two-finger salute the whole way through the bar and out the door.

Thanks for reminding us how right we were to refuse you. Good job being a productive human being, I'm sure you have a lot of good karma coming your way.

You fancy, huh?

Please don't assume that you are hot shit and we will be impressed with you just because you live in a big city.

People from out of town always act like they're friggin Matthew Broderick (...or someone more famous) walking into our little bar. In the last month or so we've had someone from ~*~*~LA~~*~* and yesterday someone from New York. They both acted like total asses, drinking like crazy and acting shocked when we slowed them down.

No, you cannot just keep putting back jameson like it's no big deal. No, you cannot order a bunch of drinks with no sign of anyone else to drink them. No, we don't give a shit who you are.

Saturday night I was sitting at the bar, being a customer, when this NY guy started chatting me up. Next thing you know, he's trying to argue with the bartender and I feel the need to step in. I politely explained exactly how and why he was a jackass and how much we love our jobs but have to follow rules. I think I ruined his flirting. I wasn't interested anyhow. Sorry, bro!

Weird.

Last night a guy in his early twenties came in and ordered a beer. I asked for his ID and it had VOID stamped into it in little holes. I said, "..I can't take this ID" and he sadly asked why. I explained that it was literally void (which I've never even heard of happening) and he was actually a little surprised somehow. He had a temporary ID, pulled out a paper ID and asked if I could take that. Sometimes we can do expired ID plus new paper copy if it's in like the one week window between hard copies, so I went to ask my boss. On my way to her, I realized the paper ID had no picture and said in plain writing that it was not any type of valid ID. Poor guy. I went back to explain that and, lucky for him, he finally pulled out his passport.

Also, never fucking ever blow a whistle inside a bar, especially while a musician is performing. Douches.

Turn offs: Red faces and bad tipping.

Sunday night I was bartending and two guys in their early 20s came in. One seemed fine, the other seemed like he'd already been drinking. I gave them one beer each and then decided that was enough, so I politely and quietly cut them off. First, the one who initially seemed fine said, "is it because we look drunk? I worked out today so my face is red." Oh, okay, does working out also make you slur your speech? All done. Then they left and I realized that one had left me no tip and the other had left a quarter.

Turns out, the $0.00 tip had a crush on the girl a few stools over and kept texting her to hang out. Also turns out, I ended up making friends with her and her friends that night. They heard me telling someone about the $0.25 tip and asked if it was those guys. The girl told the guy off and they left me a big tip to make up for the guys. Lovely, ladies!