Who made you king of a bar you've never been to?

I bartended tonight and didn't have as much luck with friendly and lovely customers as I did waitressing during lunch on Thursday.

One of our semi-regulars came in and he doesn't seem to be very self aware. At one point, he answered his phone and was having a pretty loud one-sided conversation. Suddenly, the woman next to him yells "EXCUSE ME!" at me (she consistently spoke at people, rather than to them), so I go over. She says, loud and rude as can be, "isn't there a law against this?!" I think I looked at her like she was stupid. She proceeded to say, basically to the guy but as though he wasn't there, "he is being so loud!"

Be a fucking grown up. Ask him quietly and politely to quiet down.  Causing a scene and trying to embarrass him is not only going to make him feel bad for no reason, it makes you look like a jackass.

I said, "well no, I don't think there's a law against that." to which she said, "well there should be, I'm ready to make one!" First of all, I'd sooner vote into action a law against being such a bitch. Second, I don't think you have the authority to create laws, psycho.

Something positive.

I'm going through a lot right now and work has been a nice break from real life stress, but it's also hard to keep a happy face on all the time.

Yesterday I went into work feeling pretty low and we got really busy really quickly. I ended up with 11 tables (which is generally considered a shitload) and I found myself cheering up. Every table I had was friendly, kind, and patient. Every time I checked in with them, they'd comment on how busy I looked and how well I was handling it. Many of them had way too much cash on their bills and when I offered to grab them change, they said, "it's all set, merry christmas." These people have no idea how much they helped me yesterday. Their positive attitudes felt contagious and it helped me get through a really hard day with a smile on my face.

Last week I had a really bad encounter with a well known customer. He proceeded to harass me for an hour and speak poorly of me to every customer at my bar. Luckily, they were almost all regulars who I get along with very well. After this guy left, one of my favorite regulars came over and said, "that guy is an asshole." This regular never speaks poorly of anyone and rarely swears, so it made me feel so much better. Last night the same regular came back and asked if I had any repercussions after my encounter with that asshole, then offered to speak to my boss about him on my behalf.

I may write all about crazy and rude people in here, but there is a huge spot in my heart for my awesome regulars and sweet strangers. Kind people are one of the things that keep me going at my job and I hope they know how much I appreciate them.

Stop Bitching.

There are rules to serving alcohol. A lot of them, and they get strict. Technically, I am not supposed to even allow you to get drunk. Huh? Isn't that what bars are for? Not according to the rules, guys. I know, minds are boggled.


We don't quite get Amish-level strict about it in my bar, but we are very careful about "over serving" and very willing to shut people off when they get too wobbly. We are extra aware of this on crazy busy nights when it is clear that people may be on a mission to get drunk. On nights like these, we keep a close eye on customers and keep track of who has had what.

I refuse to serve multiple drinks to one person (though I am usually pretty strict about that anyway because our bar is also a restaurant, it is not 21+) and people never ever understand it. Someone will come up and order five shots, to which I say, "who are the other four going to?" This person will inevitably point off into the horizon and mumble. I say, "I need to see all five people please." And now this person is getting grumpy. Telling me their names, where they are, or that, "they haven't even had a drink yet!" aren't going to change anything.

Here are my reasons:
You might be ordering more than one shot for each person.
You might be ordering a shot for someone underage.
You might be ordering a shot for someone who just did a shot, which we don't serve back to back.
You might be ordering a shot for someone who is already drunk.

The night before Thanksgiving was obviously a very busy night. Among other examples, I had someone trying to buy two beers and I told him his friend couldn't have another beer yet, as he had just chugged his last one. The friend-who-couldn't-have-beer was fine with it and very polite. The friend-trying-to-buy-the-beers was pissed and aggressive. What, why? I also had someone ordering several drinks and pointing out people they were for, those people then turned around and said they didn't even want a drink, but he insisted that they did. What? I can see them.

So just stop bitching. I ask politely, it's a simple task. If you try to argue with me, you're one of several things- drunk, a douchebag, or really sketchy. You know what those get you? Shut off, motherfucker.

What the everliving fuck.

We have a strange regular who has been coming in for a month or two now, we'll call him IC. He comes in late, sits at the bar, and drinks iced coffee. He asks a lot of questions and tries to engage us in conversation. At first I thought he was lonely, so I went with it. Then i realized he is strange and creepy. Last night he hit a new peak.

He came in and sat at the bar and seemed fine. A little while later, my coworker told me IC's finger was gushing blood. He said he'd cut it on a glass or his stool, he wasn't sure which. Interesting. He ate up the attention from the other bartender, our manager, and a girl sitting next to him. He even got her to put a bandaid on it for him.

RULE NUMBER FUCKING ONE: DO NOT TOUCH A STRANGERS BLOOD.

So we're going about our business, letting the manager deal with him. After she walked away, the girl at the bar tracked her down to talk to her about IC. Apparently after it all died down, he quietly told her that he'd actually cut it on a shopping cart at walmart.

RULE NUMBER FUCKING TWO: IF YOU CUT YOURSELF ON A SHOPPING CART AT WALMART, YOU SHOULD HAVE THAT SHIT CLEANED OUT IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT STOP FOR AN ICED COFFEE AND SOME SYMPATHETIC ATTENTION.

So he cuts his finger at walmart, casually comes into the bar, and then claims it happened there. Why did he do this? Not to begin a ridiculous lawsuit. Not to get his iced coffee for free. Just for the sympathy.

WTF.

Generation... Idiots.

If you were born in 1990, do not scoff at me for checking your ID. You are an idiot and you should forgo the drink and keep your handful of brain cells viable.

You're not welcome back here, Vincent.

"It's coming out of your tip." is never ever appropriate.
Of course a server's actions and competence can affect their tip. Obviously. But do not, by any means, ever hold that over your servers head. You'll sound like a total dick.

Last night an older man and his date were at the bar and they were rude from minute one. Cut to the end of their night with us, and the man points out that the receipt that he had showed a different total than his credit card was run for. I apologized and then immediately realized that that was the receipt from before the last round of beers. It was printed an hour and ten minutes earlier than he cashed out and the difference was exactly the cost of two beers. I explained that to him and said I would get him a copy of his updated itemized receipt, to which he instantly said, "well it's coming out of your tip then."

What? What is? We did nothing wrong, he was just looking at an outdated reciept. We keep updated reciepts in front of every customer, he happened to hold onto the older one. We did nothing wrong. Douchebag Grouchypants left us no tip on a $78 tab. Fuck you, Mr Grouchypants, and good luck to you if you try to come back to my bar.

Protip: if you pay with a credit card, we will remember your name forever. :)

you're so old :(

Tonight we had a bunch of people come in after their 20th high school reunion. We gave them one round of beers before last call and they didn't bother us.  I was washing dishes and talking to someone when one of the guys (who had already tipped us $30 on a $29 tab, so I felt like I should be polite even though he was weird) called me over to "ask a question." He didn't ask a question. He said, "we were just talking politics" and I interrupted, "I don't know anything about that." He continued on, "well hypothetically, we were talking politics. and I said to [other guy] you shouldn't focus on politics right now, you should focus on this cute girl back here" before I could even catch myself, I said, "I was six when you graduated high school!"


Don't hit on the bartender unless you're sure he/she might like you. It's so fucking awkward.

You have got to be kidding me.

I bartended last night (and the night before. $460 in two days? yes please!!) and all of our regulars came out. It was nice, most of them are lovely! However, one particular regular is kind of known for being creepy, but I've never seen him get unruly.

• Once upon a time, he dated a friend of mine. She cites him as the, "worst, lowest, most shameful phase of [her] life." and that is including a serious drug addiction.
• Another friend of mine was barbacking one night and Creepshow tried to give her $5. She explained that she was a barback and they don't get tipped. He told her it was, "for the view." You see, a few minutes earlier she had bent over at the other end of the bar, unaware that he was staring intently all along.
• HE JUST LOOKS SLIMY AS FUCK.

So last night he came in and I tried to be polite. During his first beer, I had to stand at a beer tap near him and try to put a tube over it. The tube wasn't fitting well so I was fidgeting with it, when suddenly Creepshow leaned around the tap tower and quietly said, "You might want to rub it and spit on it."

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I'm no prude and I'm not easily shaken, but I could have thrown up. I went to my manager to tell her what he had said and I told her I wasn't dealing with him anymore. Luckily, I was bar tending with a guy so I told him the same and he offered to deal with him.  I have no idea how I will handle Creepshow next week.

Ten cents doesn't matter.

We have a number of regulars. A few are amazing and honestly, I get excited when they come in. The rest... not so exciting.

Today one of 'the rest' came in with a friend for lunch. I try to be polite to her but she is just generally unpleasant. I also know that she never tips well, which doesn't help how I feel when I deal with her. They were closing out their tab and while I was literally standing a foot away, they had this conversation:

Friend: I'll get this.
Regular: Okay, what is the tip?
(I tried not to listen because I knew this would all be awkward anyway)
Regular (as she counts out a couple of dollars in change): And if I pick up that dime off the ground, we're all set!

AND SHE WAS SERIOUS.

Sorry, Tom.

Sometimes customers take a liking to us. They flirt, leave better tips, and sometimes give you their phone numbers. I've gotten a few myself and between all the girls at work, I've seen several different deliveries. However, most of the time it is just left, written on the receipt, with a name. It happened to me yesterday. Two guys- one was handsome and carried himself well, the other wasn't even very polite. After they were gone, there was a number for Tom on the back of the bottom copy of the receipt.

Here's the problem- you rarely have an entire table full of attractive customers. If you have 2-5 guys at a table and you find a number after they are gone, how should you handle that? Maybe you even really liked one of them, but there's no way to know which one liked you. Do us a favor, guys, at least leave the receipt in front of the seat you were in. Maybe even draw an arrow or a picture of yourself. We'd love it, because it's sad to let a good guy get away, but it's more sad to awkwardly get out of a phone call with someone you have no interest in.

So, I'm sorry Tom. For one, I have a boyfriend (who started out as a cute customer!) but even if I didn't, I have no idea which guy you were and I don't think I could bring myself to call and ask if you were the handsome and polite guy or his awkward friend.

It's not an accident.

We have a very unpleasant regular at the bar. It's not that he's the most rude or the most needy, he is just completely creepy. He comes in after drinking at other places all night and tries to buy shots, he creeps on girls as soon as they are left alone by their friends/boyfriends, he kissed me very close to my mouth (1. I did not invite, nor did i want that. 2. it was in front of my boyfriend), and I'm 99% sure he made a video of me while I was bar tending once. He is just yucky all around and I prefer not to interact with him.

Last night he parked himself at the bar next to a regular that I really quite like. Actually, he's dating a coworker, so we are pretty friendly. After Unpleasant left, the good regular told me that Unpleasant had said, "You know, sometimes she is pretty bitchy to me." And do you know what we both said at the same time? "Well that's on purpose."

I don't go so far as to be unprofessional or outright rude to Unpleasant, but when he yells my name from across the bar I continue with what I'm doing before I get him yet another Coors Light. When he tries to take pictures of me, I tell him that I would rather he not do that.  When he creeps on girls, I don't tell them how wonderful and lovely he is- because he just isn't.

Unpleasant customers can really wear on you, so I am more and more grateful all the time for some of our amazing regulars. We have some very lovely older guys who all come in alone and have become the cutest little group of friends.

Something a little different.

Now, I know I spend an awful lot of time criticizing customer behavior in here, so let's turn the tables a little.

At work, we make strawberry daiquiris by mixing rum, ice, and daiquiri mix in the blender.  Last night a waitress needed a raspberry daiquiri, so I added a little black raspberry schnapps.  Later on, they asked for another one. The other bartender went to make it and asked what I did, so I told her that I added the black raspberry.

A little while later, I walked through the dining room and the waitress rushed a weird gray looking ice chippy drink over to me and she was like, "she said this is the worst thing she's ever had, can you make a new one?" Weird, because I told the other bartender exactly what I'd done.

She noticed me toss the drink she made and start over and she kept an eye out, trying to see what she did wrong. Suddenly I heard, "Ohh, you added daiquiri mix?!" What? She had made some sort of booze smoothie; rum, black raspberry schnapps, and ice. What part of that sounds delicious? What part of that has the word daiquiri in it? Nice.

Something a little nicer

This morning an elderly couple came into the restaurant. The husband stopped me on his way to the table to ask if he needed to pay the meter. It was raining and he moved slowly so I offered to run out and pay it for him. He gave me a couple of quarters and it only took me a minute. When I came back in, he gave me a hug and two more quarters, "for my pocket." He was in the bathroom while I asked his wife what they wanted to drink, and when I brought his coffee over he said, "I didn't know you were our girl. I'm glad to know you." and it was awesome.

It made my whole day nicer.

Bummer.

Dear traveling Canadian customers,
If you are going to ask me what I make ($2.63/hr) and act shocked that i survive off of it, please tip appropriately; $3.50 (on a $39.50 bill) doesn't go very far.

Love,
The waitress who had to listen to your husband's awkward jokes and stay on an extra 45 minutes for you.

What is this I don't even

I encountered a new kind of crazy last night.
Let's call it "you're a grown ass woman, you can control who you speak to" crazy.

We have a regular, Brandy Alexander, who comes in alone and drinks and talks to anyone and everyone who will listen, even if they don't seem interested. More often than not, it's us. So last night I was bartending and he was there. I did my best to just stay busy so I wouldn't get sucked in. A couple came in and sat right next to him even though there were plenty of empty stools; they even said hi like they recognized him.

The wife was on the left, husband in the middle, Brandy Alexander on the right. He obviously started talking up a storm, the husband didn't say much and kind of watched tv, but the wife leaned around her husband to engage in this conversation. I heard her saying things like, "Oh I'm so sorry to hear that!" and "You're a really good guy." in response to his (probably untrue) stories. She was an active member of the conversation. They talked for at least half an hour. Eventually, Brandy Alexander left. I walked by the couple and the woman said,

"Do you not even protect customers from other guests?!"

Huh? This is a grown ass woman. This is a woman capable of making her own decisions and clearly capable of speaking up for herself. She also had her husband there, he certainly didn't step in to end the conversation. She hadn't even given me a look of, "who the fuck is this guy? help!" like customers sometimes do. In that case, I help. 

I thought she must have been joking. I laughed a little and said, "I'm sorry, you looked like you wanted to talk to him." to which she responded, "I'm going to write online about what happened here tonight!" I walked away to tell my manager about this lunatic and she apparently continued to bitch at her husband, who then left a $0 tip on a $40-50 bill. This woman had chosen to carry on a long conversation and somehow I was to blame. What the fuck.

You are sitting at a table. That is your table. The other tables are not for you.

Piggy backing off of my last post- not only should you not take up an extra table for your children (because you obviously don't want to spend time with them) you should not take up an extra table with all of the shit you have brought to dinner or with the menus (drinks, dessert, etc) that are designated for your table. Yesterday a man moved his drink menu onto another table. Now, this isn't the worst thing that can happen in my day, but it is irritating. He was sitting at a four-top with two other men; you can fit another adult there but you cannot find a place to put the drink menu? Come on now.

Also, please fucking listen to what I have to say. Not only is it common courtesy, but it will get things done faster and easier this way. I absolutely despise the way people ignore me when I'm working. Some examples:
-I walk up to say hello and take your drink order, while I am saying, "hi, how are you?" or some variant thereof, you are obviously dying of dehydration because you interrupt me to bark a drink order in my direction.

-I walk up to say hello and take your drink order, you continue chatting with your dinner-mate and ignore me entirely. This is even better when I am trying to take your full order and you later complain that you had to wait forever to place it. No, you didn't, or you wouldn't have had to if I hadn't come and gone three times waiting for you to finish your discussion that was obviously so important.

-I say something like, "Alright I'm going to go grab you ketchup, do you need anything else at the moment?" and you say, "uhhh, ketchup" like I am an idiot bitch who wants to serve you a burger and withhold condiments.  This always makes me want to say, "yes, if you had enough respect for other people to actually listen to what I was saying, you'd know that was on the way." but instead I have to say something like, "oh of course, I'll be right back with that!"


Over all: be fucking polite, you aren't actually better than me.

Children: always a problem.

Please don't let your kids move from your table to a free table so that they can spread out a game all over the place and get out of your hair. Do you know where they go when they get out of your hair? Right into mine.

First of all, you are taking up and dirtying two separate tables. That means I am losing a table from my section, which may mean that I miss out on new guests (and their tips) if the rest of my section fills up. But of course I can't go over and ask you to move your children, because then you might get huffy and upset. Then someone has to clean both tables. That is just irritating.

Second, do you know what keeps children behaving in public? Fear of their parents. When they are at their own table they eat slower, make bigger messes, and become louder and more annoying. I'm glad you are comfortable a table away, enjoying your childless meal, but the least you could do is keep them quiet.

A Repeat Offender.

http://servingandsmiling.blogspot.com/2012/02/and-i-repeat.html
Remember that guy? In summary: he wasn't even cut off, we just told him he couldn't have so many straight drinks so quickly. He threw a tantrum, wadded up his check and money, and threw it at me. Real charmer, that guy.

Well he struck again. Last week there was a table of very fun, nice people, who happened to drink too much. They were shut off and it seemed like no big deal... Until that guy stepped in. He tried to buy a bunch of shots from the bar and the bartender realized they were for the group that had been shut off. The bartender and manager tried to explain to him why he couldn't have the shots and he ended up screaming in their faces. Completely belligerent and aggressive, and totally inappropriate. Why does he seem to think this is a useful response?!?! Good job making a fool of yourself, guy... And in the end all it got him was embarrassed and blacklisted.

"I went in, I peed, I left."

If you are cut off, please don't get drinks from other people. We're watching you and it's a real pain in the ass to have to call you out in front of your friends. It's even worse if you're picking up mystery drinks from tables. Just give up, have a water, and be grateful that we're saving you from a more severe hangover than you've already earned.

The other night, a local bar closed for the season. A large group of employees came into my bar at the end of the night. One girl was shut off before she even reached a table, because she was so visibly drunk. She sat with a water and ate politely, but was overheard talking shit. Whatever, drunk people can be a little rude. A few hours later, I walked past and heard her still slurring. I was actually pretty surprised that she was still such a mess.

At some point, my boss cleaned a mess off the mirror. She thought it was water splashes, but realized it was actually a ton of our liquid hand soap.

Another hour or so later, I finished work and was having a glass of wine at the bar.  I noticed the girl drinking a beer, still looking pretty sloppy. My boss was at the other end of the bar, so I texted her, "is that girl allowed to drink now? she has a beer." Remember, these people work in a bar. You'd think they'd know better! By the time my boss got the text and came over, the girl was gone. My boss checked the bathroom and was pretty sure the girl was just peeing, but hung around to make sure she didn't come out with a beer. When the girl came out, my boss went back into the bathroom... and again, the mirror was covered in soap. The mirror was clean, then the girl was in there, then the mirror was messy. My boss went over to the girl and said, "what is your deal with our mirror?!" And the girl replied tersely, "I went in, I peed, I left." So my boss laughed at her and walked away.

Eventually another girl went in and cleaned up the mirror and apologized to my boss for her friend's behavior. How embarrassing.

Fact: Most toddlers hate restaurants. All restaurant workers hate toddlers in restaurants.

At 9pm Sunday night, two women came in with two children, each around 3 years old. They were immediately loud and asked for a table "far from anyone else." The women ordered $48 worth of food while the two children ran around half of the restaurant, bothering other customers and nearly knocking into several waitresses. I've written about this before, super fucking unsafe. The kids screamed the entire time they were there and the women were heard saying things like, "sit the fuck down" and "eat your fucking food" to these little kids. Very classy, ladies. We were waiting for them to feel embarrassed and leave, but they took their time eating. Their waitress even offered to box their food up. No, they just kept eating. And ignoring their children. In the end, they left a $2 tip on their $48 bill and a substantial mess all around their table. The table was originally supposed to be mine and I didn't want it, so I snuck $10 onto the table for the poor waitress who had to deal with them.

Dear parents/babysitters/every customer,
Be a little classier and more considerate please!

Just Another Manic... Sunday.

Tonight was a little crazy, especially for a Sunday. The restaurant was packed from the time I walked in (3:30) until 11. I was the pub waitress, which meant I had 6-10 tables that were seated at random, sometimes a few all at once. Truth be told, I got a little frazzled.

Most of my customers were at least tolerable. I had quite a few rude guests tonight, but the rest were neutral, polite, or better. However, I had one fucking crazy lady. She stayed for about 4 hours and it took about 2 for anyone else to believe that she was a creep weirdo. Then they all interacted with her and came rushing to tell me the strange shit she did. And I felt so validated.

Here are some quick "what not to do"s we can learn from her:

1. Order beers for other people.

•  These people would like to make their own choices. Although you may love Bud Light, they would like the opportunity to order a nice microbrew. Please let them do so; I don't want to stand around while they set you straight.

2. Order drinks that  aren't actually for anyone.

• Turns out, you just love yelling out drinks. Then suddenly someone tells me your table wants two rusty nails (and who the fuck drinks those anyway?) but we bring them over and can only find a home for one. Way to go, lady.

3. Assume that you will not be shut off.

• The only polite woman at the table asked for another martini. Crazy bitch interrupted, "of course she'll get you one, she's not going to say no!" Uh.. what? Have you never been to a bar before? I can and will shut you off if need be, and you're lucky that you closed out when you did because we'd already decided you could only have one more. :)

4. Yell about how you've "been here for 8 hours and only had 4 glasses of wine"

• You've been here for 3 hours and had 5 glasses of wine, we thought that was an okay pace before, but now we're watching you like a hawk. Just shut up.

5. Grab your waitress.

• DO NOT TOUCH ME!! She grabbed my arm (gently at first, sure, but still, don't fucking touch me) and held onto my wrist the entire time she ordered drinks (for everyone at the table, even though they then said they didn't even want them) I was not going to walk away, there was no reason to trap me there. It filled me with rage. It did her no good. It gave me concrete reason to consider shutting her off.

6.  Crowd 9 chairs around a table that seats 4.

• It's annoying enough when a fifth person sits at the end of the table and you have to squeeze by... This lady went around the bar taking chairs from any table that had one free. My other customers even complained about her.. it sucked. Then when someone in her group said, "well we need to leave room for the waitresses to get by" she responded, "oh they'll just get by" What? We're skinny girls but we can't squeeze through where there is no opening. This is what convinced me that this lady was delusional. Then they spread out... Now servers can't get through, especially with trays, and other customers are put out. Not awesome, not awesome at all.

 7. Walk behind the bar to pay your tab.

• ...Especially when your tab is not even with the bar. This lady not only went up to the bar with her check (when she wasn't even the one paying...) but she walked the entire length behind the bar. Hello, not okay!!! You are not allowed back there, psycho. She found my manager at the other end and said, "sorry for coming back here!" What? No, you had no need to go back there and you decided to, I don't see any remorse there.

Thank goodness two other people in the group paid the tab... I think they realized how much of a horrible miserable pain in the ass she was, because I got more than 33% tip, even though I knocked over a glass of water when I dropped off the check. :)

WHOOOOOSH ZOOOOM BEEEEP

If you have an annoying ring tone, you turn it the fuck off in public. Period.

We have a guy who regularly comes in for lunch, with his ringtone on full blast. It is louder than any ringtone I've ever heard, aside from my phone's alarm. His ringtone happens to sound like shooting lasers. A lot of lasers. Holy fucking obnoxious, Batman. Turn that shit off.

And I Repeat...

I know we've gone over this before. Maybe even twice. But it doesn't seem to have sunk in yet. Read this carefully, then tell your friends. Tell them to tell their friends. Remember chain letters? It's like that, "send this to five people or you'll have bad luck continue to be a douchebag customer."

If you are shut off, arguing WILL NOT help your cause! First of all, it's a decision we rarely back down from. Second, being rude to us is a sign of belligerence and that is a sign of intoxication. So then you're extra cut off. Absolutely never swear at us, you're on the road to getting kicked out. We had a regular (who we all recognize by face and name) throw a tantrum last night that included yelling, "fuck yourself" at a bartender during family dinner hours. Do you think that got him anywhere? No.

After you've been cut off and yelled at us and thrown a sufficient tantrum, just get out. Keep whatever dignity you have left and just escape the scene. Do not, for any reason, crumple up your bill and some cash and throw it at the bartender. Particularly the bartender who had nothing to do with the scene you just caused. It makes you look like a fucking child, and we will remember. Forever.

Something positive!

To all two of my subscribers, I'm sorry that I've been gone so long. I had some big bad things happen in my real life, and I lost track of this dumb thing. But, I'm back, and I hope I'll stay back.

And I come back with something positive... eventually.

I worked the bar three nights last week and dealt with some real idiots (including a stellar display of sexual harassment from one of my regulars). I'll let that go for now, it's less funny and more fucking annoying. Last night, again, I dealt with some real idiots. I don't want to drag their stupidity out too long, so I will just say:

-If we are saying that we need to see a person for every drink, please don't say, "well I brought two empty glasses up.. doesn't that count?" What? No, it doesn't. The point of seeing a person for every drink is to not only make sure that we don't give you two drinks; we also need to make sure that the second drink isn't going to someone who is underage or already intoxicated. It's important, I promise.

-If we both ID you, roll with it. There are two of us and we don't just assume that the other one checked you. Though I do owe a special apology to the table I checked twice...

-If you work in the restaurant, don't take advantage of us. We will serve you a little more than a stranger, but if you take it too far we have no problem cutting you off. Don't be a douchebag.. especially twice in one week.

-If you are in charge of booking the music, don't get shit-housed and try to sing for them. Everyone wants you to shut the fuck up.

-If your bill is $88+ and you are angry that you were cut off and that you were 3 minutes too late to buy a growler, it is not our fault. A $0 tip is absurd and we will remember you. (I honestly remember this guy's full name because it is the same as my childhood best friends little brother... good luck next time you come in.)

But now on the good side!!
After all of this (and more, but it is more aggravating and less funny) I had some guy order a drink a little while after last call. It was early enough to count it, so I said, "well it's last call so I can get you one, but that's it." He was fine with it, but then muttered to himself, "I probably shouldn't even have one more." I braced myself and said, "I can't give you another drink after you say that you shouldn't have anymore." I really was waiting for him to just lose it on me. It felt like forever but really was probably ten seconds before he laughed and said, "that's why I like you!" I couldn't even hold back and said an awkward, "thank you so much for being nice!" It rounded off my night in the best way... aside from sitting down with a glass of wine and counting tips.