Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

Some interesting things happened at work this past Friday. First, the pizza cook was arrested, straight off of the line. Apparently he had an outstanding warrant in my home town. This was exciting enough, but you won't even believe what happened next. Dim the lights, get comfy, enjoy.

Police come in the front door, waitresses panic. They get the attention of a manager and ask her for (we'll call him Al.) Al. She goes to Al and says, "What's your last name?" He answers and she says, "Well the police want to talk to you." Al seems entirely unsurprised, but understandably annoyed. The police then take him out of the kitchen and walk him through the restaurant and bar, out the front doors, and place him under arrest outside. While this is going on, pizzas are in the oven.

My "hey come get food" buzzer goes off and I run up, expecting a beautiful pizza. I find a charred pizza in its place. I looked at the replacement pizza cook and tried to give him shit for it, before interrupting myself with the realization that this pizza was a victim of Al's arrest. I decide that half of the pizza is salvagable, so I run down to inform my customer. This customer happened to be sitting at the very first table in the bar, facing our front door.

The following conversation ensues:

Me: So... we ran into a bit of an issue with our pizza cook!
Customer: (gesturing towards the police car outside) Was that him?
Me: Well yes, and your pizza is a bit burnt.
Customer: The only reason I'm even here is because I hit a deer and my car got towed down the street. I'm just having a bad night.
Me: Not as bad as him! (pointing again towards the police car)

He was a fantastic sport and we laughed it off while i explained that he would get his half pizza, plus a whole new pizza, all for free for the inconvenience. He decided he couldn't take the extra pizza because he was getting picked up, but he was happy anyway. When he was ready for his bill, I brought it over; he owed $8.50 for two beers. I walked a lap around the restaurant and when I returned, he was gone. On top of his check was a $100.

Totally awesome.

I didn't think this needed to be said.

Please, please, don't sexually harass your waitress. Especially in front of your family.

A view from the other side.

I went out to dinner with my boyfriend tonight.
The service was mediocre.

From the time we started dating, my boyfriend has eagerly learned to be a better customer. He listens to my rants and frequently asks the most polite way to approach whatever scenario he ends up in. He genuinely wants to be as polite as possible, even when it's overkill.

Tonight he ordered some variation of surf and turf, a $30 special, and the steak came out way overcooked. The waitress didn't come back to see how it was; once she dropped off our dishes, she didn't come back at all until after we were both clearly done, with our plates pushed to the sides. While we waited for her to come check on us, he asked me how to nicely deal with his steak. He was considering saying nothing, but obviously felt unhappy about it. The waitress finally came by and quickly asked if we need boxes, leaving little time to give feedback, so my boyfriend panicked and just said yes. While she was getting boxes, we quickly discussed how to politely point out his shitty steak. So then she's going to get boxes and he still wants to know how to be polite and I said, "well when she comes back, you can politely say, "i just want to let you know that this was overcooked." He hadn't eaten it and he wasn't expecting anything for it, but he did want to acknowledge it. She came back with boxes and he spoke up about his steak. What did she say, you ask? She said, "Okay, that's fine."

What?!

You know how I know you're an asshole?

Last night the restaurant was pretty dead. We literally had no customers outside of the bar. Then I got a walk-in party of ten. In the time it took me to go out back and pick up three salads, the dining room just about filled up. It was very busy very suddenly and the kitchen got a little backed up. I apologized to any table that had a semi-excessive wait and did what I could to make it more tolerable. Everyone was great- except for one family.

I brought bread, we paid for a round of their beers, and I checked in on them frequently and pleasantly. They were rude about the delay, but I can understand that frustration. After they were served dinner, no one had any complaints. Then my manager went over to apologize again and remind them that we were taking care of a round of drinks for them. Suddenly, the wife hated her food (which she was almost done with). My manager also comped that from the bill. They got a total of $31 worth of free food and drinks. They also had a $20 gift card. Their final bill was $12 and change. Do you know what they left me as a tip? $4. That, my friends, is how I know they were assholes.

I can't even convey this as horribly as it went.

Last night I had the most horrible bitch customer from hell that I've ever dealt with.

She was half of a couple who looked rough around the edges. They gave me a bitch of a time ordering drinks; the woman ordered for the husband and snapped at me when I asked him something about it (sidenote: he later told me that he did not want that drink at all and ordered something else). I realized that the bartender was busy and not at all concerned with making my drinks in any kind of rush. I brought them waters and apologized for the wait in regards to their actual drinks. The lady was not pleased. In fact, she seemed downright exasperated. It had been all of about three minutes. She was already visibly frustrated and said, "well I'm very hungry and I want a drink!" I said I could take their dinner order if they were ready.

Neither of them brought their glasses, so they made no effort to read their menus.

Horrible bitch from hell: I want steak.
Me: There are at least five steak dinners on our menu.. and three dinner specials with steak.. do you know which one you'd like?
Horrible bitch from hell: I want steak.
Me: Okay well we have.. (at this point I literally started reading her the different steaks from her menu)
Horrible bitch from hell: Fine, I'll take (first one I said). I always get that.
(blahblahblah how do you want it cooked? soup or salad? etc)
Husband: What's the biggest steak you have?
Me: Well it's by weight-(interrupted)
Horrible bitch from hell: (interrupting) I (remember, this steak isn't even for her) don't care about the weight! Which is the biggest?!
Me: The steaks are measured out by weight, I'm not sure which is the largest but I can go ask the kitchen.
Horrible bitch from hell: (yelling, indignant) ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! You don't know the menu?!
Me: I know the menu very well, I just don't know the exact weight of each of our steaks.

She also wanted bread, "with real butter." I brought their salads and bread and within a few minutes, she had given the bread to a busser because she wanted "fresher bread."

Things did not get better with them as the night went on. They gave me a $4 tip on a $55 check. Once they left, however, the gentlemen (regulars at my bar) at the next table asked me what had happened. They had overheard her yelling at me. These are two very quiet and polite guys and one of them, after listening to my recount, said, "excuse my language but that's when I would tell her to go fuck herself."

Something a little nicer

Last weekend I was bartending and there was a middle aged couple having dinner and drinks. They asked me a few questions about our bar and I chatted with them, they were nice to talk to. After they paid and I thanked them, they thanked me back. The man said, "You know, we don't get to go out much. Thanks for such a great night." I responded by thanking them for being polite and friendly, since we don't get that all too often either. People in restaurants love to speak up when something is wrong, but you don't get compliments (especially to managers, which feels amazing when it does happen) very often.

It never hurts to say a nice thing.

I can't believe I have to explain this.

Our floors are dirty. No matter how frequently they are cleaned, our floors are dirty. We have thousands of people walking around the restaurant every day, tracking through who-knows-what. We also spill plenty of booze and occasionally drop food. Please stop your fucking toddler from rolling around on the carpet; particularly in areas of heavy traffic. We are just waiting for someone to walk right into him, spill something on him, or step on his hand. It is dangerous for him and for our employees. It is also fucking disgusting. Don't let your kids run free in restaurants unless there is a ball pit involved. If you are going to let them run around, be prepared for them to come back dirty, injured, or covered in germs. Also be prepared for your waitress (and everyone else working) to fucking hate you.

No fucking way.

Last night and tonight, my bar is having big special events that are basically a couple of our busiest nights all year. Last night I got to go in as a customer. I was sitting at table 41 and there was a couple at table 42, which I was facing. I saw the guy come back from the bathroom and he literally started eating before his butt was even back in his chair. It was strange. Then my friend (a waitress) came over and told me that, "that guy just puked all over the bathroom." He was facing the bathroom and I watched him as he watched people go in and out of the bathroom, trying to fix his mess. His waitress didn't know what to do, because she didn't think he was drunk. However, you don't puke in the SINK and then go back to eating and drinking beer. So my friend, acting as bartender/manager, went over and took the beer away. The guy got really angry and acted like he didn't know why. My friend pointed out that the guy had puked just about everywhere except for the toilet, and we find that unacceptable. The guy got even more angry, because he likely didn't want his date to know what he had done.


Here are some things we can learn from this guy:
1. if you puked in the toilet, we probably wouldn't freak out. maybe you just don't feel well.
2. if you puked in the sink and then told someone (you don't even have to take the blame! just say you found the sink that way) then we would appreciate that.
3a. if you puked in the sink and tried to pretend you didn't, you're going to get cut off.
3b. if you get cut off for puking in the sink, just fucking accept it. fighting it makes you seem belligerent and that makes us all the more happy to take your beer away.

You've got to be kidding me.

Unless your friend is in a well and Lassie himself is calling, don't answer your phone while you're in the middle of placing your order.

Today I had a table that started off kind of rude; I said "Hey, how are you doing today?" and got back, "Uh, I'll take a water." Okay, you don't like small talk. I don't either, so let's just put that behind us. Then I brought the waters and the two people continued to chat with each other and didn't even acknowledge me, so I walked away. I tried a couple more times, walking away after being ignored for a good 30 seconds. Eventually they looked ready, so I jumped on the opportunity and went to take their orders. The man wasn't overly polite but whatever, we got through his order. The woman started ordering a salad, her phone started ringing, the man pointed it out, and she answered it. I stood there patiently but intently staring at her, because she hadn't told me what dressing she wanted. After a good chunk of phone call, I turned to the man and said, "I need to know what kind of dressing she wants." The man got her attention and I asked, she answered me, and then she apologized to the person on the phone.

Oh, you're in a rush? Let's all cater to that.

Customers sometimes let me know that they don't have a lot of time. That's fine, it lets me know that I should bring boxes or drop the check while they're still eating and they think I'm being helpful rather than rude.

It's okay to let me know that you are in a hurry. It's not okay to expect me to put the rest of the restaurant on hold for you.

These people come in every week, several times a week, for lunch. They tip $3-4 dollars no matter how large their bill is or how hard you work for them. They think they are hot shit just because they come in a lot. Today they took their time ordering* and then said, "but we have to be back next door at one, so we only have a half an hour... tell the kitchen to put a rush on it." What? I have five tables ahead of you and the other server does too, those people will not wait longer for their food because you are in a rush and didn't come prepared. If you need food that fast, go to McDonald's.


*We email a copy of our specials to [a list that i know they are on] every week, they certainly could have decided on lunch before they even came in.

Open your mouth when you speak, close it to eat.

Please don't mumble at me.

I can't even tell you how often (usually during lunch, rather than dinner, but I haven't figured out why) customers will try to order while they are facing away from me and covering their mouth. I thought you learn by second grade that this is a rude practice. I can't hear you and I really hate having to ask over and over what you said. Even if you make this mistake initially, fix it after the first, "I'm sorry, what was that?" Okay? Thank you.

Babies.

I understand that my job is to serve you and clean up after you. I do. I understand that I (or a busser) have to clear your dishes, take your mess, and clean the table after you leave. I also have to vacuum certain parts of the restaurant, depending on which shift I am working.  These aren't my favorite aspects of my job, but I accept them. To a point.

Just don't be an asshole.

Two women came in with their babies today and each had several containers of food for their respective kid. One of them happened to have teeny pieces of pasta, which she threw every-fucking-where. The mom made absolutely no effort to keep the kid from doing this. There were chunks of food ground into the carpet. Because they brought the kids food from home, the bill was pretty low, and they tipped solely based on that. They didn't take into account the extra work I did for them (which was a fair amount, compared to my other tables) or the extra work I would be left with once they were gone. In case you're taking notes, these are things you should take into account.

And your baby-related tip today: If your kid thinks it is hilarious and awesome to take every little packet out of our sugar caddy, it wouldn't kill you to try to put it back in some reasonable order when they are done. Or better yet, don't let your kids play with this stuff. It is messy and gross and annoying. We have toys, books, and coloring pages to keep them entertained if you can't bother to do that yourself. We go through each table every day to make sure the sugars are well stocked and looking neat. It is really obnoxious to have to refill them entirely after children get their hands on them.

 Last night I made over $40/hour. That is all.

Shut up.

Seriously, don't yell at the bartenders.

1. We're doing our jobs. While this includes cash exchanges and keeping customers happy, first and foremost is keeping everyone safe and following rules.

2. It is the absolute fastest way to get yourself cut off, short of throwing up in the bar.

I don't know what these people are thinking. We had a big event last night and for some reason it brought in all kinds of douchebags. If you're ordering four martinis and a sambucca on the rocks, and you're standing there alone, we aren't going to just hand it right over. Particularly if someone in your group has already been cut off. Once we catch you clearly sneaking drinks to the person who has been cut off, follow our fucking rules.  It will not ruin your night if everyone has to get up from the table to show their face and claim their drink.

These people were absolutely obnoxious and had no manners, but bartending in a fancy dress was pretty fun.

Alrighty!

For the last week or two, I can't stop saying, "alrighty!" Maybe it comes across as awesomely cheery and great, but holy fuck it's annoying the shit out of me. I can't even imagine what my customers think.

money, money, money, moneyyy

If you have a gift card, just wait the twenty seconds it takes for us to check the balance on it.

Last week, another waitress had a table say, "there's about $25 on the card, the rest is in cash." and the gift card they left was worth $60. they were still at their table when the waitress noticed, but they could have lost out on a good chunk of money.

Last night, my friend and I were bartending and had a few of our weekend regulars pay the same way. Only their giftcard was worth $6 and that left their tip to be $0.82. My friend ran back to give them their change (so maybe they'd notice that they were being assholes) and they quickly got up and left. I suspect that they knew it was so little and figured we'd give them the benefit of the doubt and not hold it against them.

Please don't take up stools in a packed bar for four hours, demand quick drink service, AND order dinner, if you're going to tip like a douchebag. We live off of tips, most of the girl's paychecks are literally $0. Someone else (or many other people, over how long they sat there) could take up that seat and treat us kindly. F yourselves, jerks.

Please. Thank you. Okay.

Last night a man was cut off and then started slamming his glass of water down on the bar.  He was then asked to leave. Shortly thereafter, another man came up and ordered two drinks. I asked if he was sitting at a table and his response (no) was clearly a lie. I gave him one drink, telling him that I needed to see who the other one was for, and he walked right back to his table. Then he sent his wife up to get her drink and his wife told my friend that her husband had told her to come up and order her drink. The wife was then told that customers at tables need to order drinks through their servers. We kept an eye on them all night because they started off on such a poor foot. Do not be shady. It frustrates the staff and makes you look bad. Be courteous, you'll get away with far more.

It is unwise to be rude to the bartender. Vulgar outbursts, lying, and tantrums can all be deemed belligerent behavior. Do you know what belligerent behavior gets you? It gets you cut off.

$30 an hour? okay.

Today wasn't as easy with customer moods and attitudes. However, I did about two hours of real work and made $63. This is probably part of the reason I've never applied for a job that actually relates to my bachelor's degree.

All of the rude people and annoying requests were quickly forgotten when one of my favorite customers came in. Thankfully, he was one of my last tables of the day and made everything better. He's an older guy and he comes in alone for lunch. He looks at the menu for a little while and then asks questions like, "do you have anything with chicken today?" making it pretty clear that he didn't really read anything. He's one of those customers that can be as particular and needy as he wants, and I still smile the whole time I'm dealing with him.

Speaking of being particular and needy (unless you're that guy; like i said, he can get away with it) -
I don't care how long it takes you to decide on your order, you can take all day if you want, just don't make me stand at your table waiting for it. Today I had about eight tables going at once and two of them thought I should just stand there waiting for them to decide. When this goes on, all I can think about are the other tables I could be helping and the fact that I have food waiting to be run. Please, take all the time you need, just don't waste mine.

A really good day? No way!

Today I managed to get through a whole lunch shift without any rude customers! Maybe it's the nice weather, but people were pleasant and polite and happy all day. It was great.

So nothing to rant about today really, I'll just leave you with your tip-
As servers, we understand that not every table wants to be chatty and have fun with us. That's fine, we tend to pick up on it quickly and leave you alone for the most part. Just do me a favor; when I walk up to greet you (as I am required to do) please do not interrupt me to bark out your drink order. It won't ruin your whole night if you wait the fifteen seconds it takes me to say hello.

Welcome!

I've been a waitress for a few years now and I've seen people display all kinds of behavior. Among some of the most common, you have-

• Your regulars, who are awesome but sometimes try to throw their weight around like they own the place. 

• People who have worked in the industry and try extra hard to be good customers (we love you!). 

• People who have clearly not worked in the industry and have no idea what it is like. 

This blog will likely focus on that last group.

And I'll try to leave you with a tip of my own in each entry. To start us off- 
I don't care if you call me a server or a waitress or even, "that lady" but please, please look at me when you speak to me and show at least a basic grasp of manners.