Open your mouth when you speak, close it to eat.

Please don't mumble at me.

I can't even tell you how often (usually during lunch, rather than dinner, but I haven't figured out why) customers will try to order while they are facing away from me and covering their mouth. I thought you learn by second grade that this is a rude practice. I can't hear you and I really hate having to ask over and over what you said. Even if you make this mistake initially, fix it after the first, "I'm sorry, what was that?" Okay? Thank you.

Babies.

I understand that my job is to serve you and clean up after you. I do. I understand that I (or a busser) have to clear your dishes, take your mess, and clean the table after you leave. I also have to vacuum certain parts of the restaurant, depending on which shift I am working.  These aren't my favorite aspects of my job, but I accept them. To a point.

Just don't be an asshole.

Two women came in with their babies today and each had several containers of food for their respective kid. One of them happened to have teeny pieces of pasta, which she threw every-fucking-where. The mom made absolutely no effort to keep the kid from doing this. There were chunks of food ground into the carpet. Because they brought the kids food from home, the bill was pretty low, and they tipped solely based on that. They didn't take into account the extra work I did for them (which was a fair amount, compared to my other tables) or the extra work I would be left with once they were gone. In case you're taking notes, these are things you should take into account.

And your baby-related tip today: If your kid thinks it is hilarious and awesome to take every little packet out of our sugar caddy, it wouldn't kill you to try to put it back in some reasonable order when they are done. Or better yet, don't let your kids play with this stuff. It is messy and gross and annoying. We have toys, books, and coloring pages to keep them entertained if you can't bother to do that yourself. We go through each table every day to make sure the sugars are well stocked and looking neat. It is really obnoxious to have to refill them entirely after children get their hands on them.

 Last night I made over $40/hour. That is all.

Shut up.

Seriously, don't yell at the bartenders.

1. We're doing our jobs. While this includes cash exchanges and keeping customers happy, first and foremost is keeping everyone safe and following rules.

2. It is the absolute fastest way to get yourself cut off, short of throwing up in the bar.

I don't know what these people are thinking. We had a big event last night and for some reason it brought in all kinds of douchebags. If you're ordering four martinis and a sambucca on the rocks, and you're standing there alone, we aren't going to just hand it right over. Particularly if someone in your group has already been cut off. Once we catch you clearly sneaking drinks to the person who has been cut off, follow our fucking rules.  It will not ruin your night if everyone has to get up from the table to show their face and claim their drink.

These people were absolutely obnoxious and had no manners, but bartending in a fancy dress was pretty fun.

Alrighty!

For the last week or two, I can't stop saying, "alrighty!" Maybe it comes across as awesomely cheery and great, but holy fuck it's annoying the shit out of me. I can't even imagine what my customers think.

money, money, money, moneyyy

If you have a gift card, just wait the twenty seconds it takes for us to check the balance on it.

Last week, another waitress had a table say, "there's about $25 on the card, the rest is in cash." and the gift card they left was worth $60. they were still at their table when the waitress noticed, but they could have lost out on a good chunk of money.

Last night, my friend and I were bartending and had a few of our weekend regulars pay the same way. Only their giftcard was worth $6 and that left their tip to be $0.82. My friend ran back to give them their change (so maybe they'd notice that they were being assholes) and they quickly got up and left. I suspect that they knew it was so little and figured we'd give them the benefit of the doubt and not hold it against them.

Please don't take up stools in a packed bar for four hours, demand quick drink service, AND order dinner, if you're going to tip like a douchebag. We live off of tips, most of the girl's paychecks are literally $0. Someone else (or many other people, over how long they sat there) could take up that seat and treat us kindly. F yourselves, jerks.

Please. Thank you. Okay.

Last night a man was cut off and then started slamming his glass of water down on the bar.  He was then asked to leave. Shortly thereafter, another man came up and ordered two drinks. I asked if he was sitting at a table and his response (no) was clearly a lie. I gave him one drink, telling him that I needed to see who the other one was for, and he walked right back to his table. Then he sent his wife up to get her drink and his wife told my friend that her husband had told her to come up and order her drink. The wife was then told that customers at tables need to order drinks through their servers. We kept an eye on them all night because they started off on such a poor foot. Do not be shady. It frustrates the staff and makes you look bad. Be courteous, you'll get away with far more.

It is unwise to be rude to the bartender. Vulgar outbursts, lying, and tantrums can all be deemed belligerent behavior. Do you know what belligerent behavior gets you? It gets you cut off.

$30 an hour? okay.

Today wasn't as easy with customer moods and attitudes. However, I did about two hours of real work and made $63. This is probably part of the reason I've never applied for a job that actually relates to my bachelor's degree.

All of the rude people and annoying requests were quickly forgotten when one of my favorite customers came in. Thankfully, he was one of my last tables of the day and made everything better. He's an older guy and he comes in alone for lunch. He looks at the menu for a little while and then asks questions like, "do you have anything with chicken today?" making it pretty clear that he didn't really read anything. He's one of those customers that can be as particular and needy as he wants, and I still smile the whole time I'm dealing with him.

Speaking of being particular and needy (unless you're that guy; like i said, he can get away with it) -
I don't care how long it takes you to decide on your order, you can take all day if you want, just don't make me stand at your table waiting for it. Today I had about eight tables going at once and two of them thought I should just stand there waiting for them to decide. When this goes on, all I can think about are the other tables I could be helping and the fact that I have food waiting to be run. Please, take all the time you need, just don't waste mine.

A really good day? No way!

Today I managed to get through a whole lunch shift without any rude customers! Maybe it's the nice weather, but people were pleasant and polite and happy all day. It was great.

So nothing to rant about today really, I'll just leave you with your tip-
As servers, we understand that not every table wants to be chatty and have fun with us. That's fine, we tend to pick up on it quickly and leave you alone for the most part. Just do me a favor; when I walk up to greet you (as I am required to do) please do not interrupt me to bark out your drink order. It won't ruin your whole night if you wait the fifteen seconds it takes me to say hello.

Welcome!

I've been a waitress for a few years now and I've seen people display all kinds of behavior. Among some of the most common, you have-

• Your regulars, who are awesome but sometimes try to throw their weight around like they own the place. 

• People who have worked in the industry and try extra hard to be good customers (we love you!). 

• People who have clearly not worked in the industry and have no idea what it is like. 

This blog will likely focus on that last group.

And I'll try to leave you with a tip of my own in each entry. To start us off- 
I don't care if you call me a server or a waitress or even, "that lady" but please, please look at me when you speak to me and show at least a basic grasp of manners.