Just Another Manic... Sunday.

Tonight was a little crazy, especially for a Sunday. The restaurant was packed from the time I walked in (3:30) until 11. I was the pub waitress, which meant I had 6-10 tables that were seated at random, sometimes a few all at once. Truth be told, I got a little frazzled.

Most of my customers were at least tolerable. I had quite a few rude guests tonight, but the rest were neutral, polite, or better. However, I had one fucking crazy lady. She stayed for about 4 hours and it took about 2 for anyone else to believe that she was a creep weirdo. Then they all interacted with her and came rushing to tell me the strange shit she did. And I felt so validated.

Here are some quick "what not to do"s we can learn from her:

1. Order beers for other people.

•  These people would like to make their own choices. Although you may love Bud Light, they would like the opportunity to order a nice microbrew. Please let them do so; I don't want to stand around while they set you straight.

2. Order drinks that  aren't actually for anyone.

• Turns out, you just love yelling out drinks. Then suddenly someone tells me your table wants two rusty nails (and who the fuck drinks those anyway?) but we bring them over and can only find a home for one. Way to go, lady.

3. Assume that you will not be shut off.

• The only polite woman at the table asked for another martini. Crazy bitch interrupted, "of course she'll get you one, she's not going to say no!" Uh.. what? Have you never been to a bar before? I can and will shut you off if need be, and you're lucky that you closed out when you did because we'd already decided you could only have one more. :)

4. Yell about how you've "been here for 8 hours and only had 4 glasses of wine"

• You've been here for 3 hours and had 5 glasses of wine, we thought that was an okay pace before, but now we're watching you like a hawk. Just shut up.

5. Grab your waitress.

• DO NOT TOUCH ME!! She grabbed my arm (gently at first, sure, but still, don't fucking touch me) and held onto my wrist the entire time she ordered drinks (for everyone at the table, even though they then said they didn't even want them) I was not going to walk away, there was no reason to trap me there. It filled me with rage. It did her no good. It gave me concrete reason to consider shutting her off.

6.  Crowd 9 chairs around a table that seats 4.

• It's annoying enough when a fifth person sits at the end of the table and you have to squeeze by... This lady went around the bar taking chairs from any table that had one free. My other customers even complained about her.. it sucked. Then when someone in her group said, "well we need to leave room for the waitresses to get by" she responded, "oh they'll just get by" What? We're skinny girls but we can't squeeze through where there is no opening. This is what convinced me that this lady was delusional. Then they spread out... Now servers can't get through, especially with trays, and other customers are put out. Not awesome, not awesome at all.

 7. Walk behind the bar to pay your tab.

• ...Especially when your tab is not even with the bar. This lady not only went up to the bar with her check (when she wasn't even the one paying...) but she walked the entire length behind the bar. Hello, not okay!!! You are not allowed back there, psycho. She found my manager at the other end and said, "sorry for coming back here!" What? No, you had no need to go back there and you decided to, I don't see any remorse there.

Thank goodness two other people in the group paid the tab... I think they realized how much of a horrible miserable pain in the ass she was, because I got more than 33% tip, even though I knocked over a glass of water when I dropped off the check. :)

WHOOOOOSH ZOOOOM BEEEEP

If you have an annoying ring tone, you turn it the fuck off in public. Period.

We have a guy who regularly comes in for lunch, with his ringtone on full blast. It is louder than any ringtone I've ever heard, aside from my phone's alarm. His ringtone happens to sound like shooting lasers. A lot of lasers. Holy fucking obnoxious, Batman. Turn that shit off.

And I Repeat...

I know we've gone over this before. Maybe even twice. But it doesn't seem to have sunk in yet. Read this carefully, then tell your friends. Tell them to tell their friends. Remember chain letters? It's like that, "send this to five people or you'll have bad luck continue to be a douchebag customer."

If you are shut off, arguing WILL NOT help your cause! First of all, it's a decision we rarely back down from. Second, being rude to us is a sign of belligerence and that is a sign of intoxication. So then you're extra cut off. Absolutely never swear at us, you're on the road to getting kicked out. We had a regular (who we all recognize by face and name) throw a tantrum last night that included yelling, "fuck yourself" at a bartender during family dinner hours. Do you think that got him anywhere? No.

After you've been cut off and yelled at us and thrown a sufficient tantrum, just get out. Keep whatever dignity you have left and just escape the scene. Do not, for any reason, crumple up your bill and some cash and throw it at the bartender. Particularly the bartender who had nothing to do with the scene you just caused. It makes you look like a fucking child, and we will remember. Forever.