I can't believe I have to explain this.

Our floors are dirty. No matter how frequently they are cleaned, our floors are dirty. We have thousands of people walking around the restaurant every day, tracking through who-knows-what. We also spill plenty of booze and occasionally drop food. Please stop your fucking toddler from rolling around on the carpet; particularly in areas of heavy traffic. We are just waiting for someone to walk right into him, spill something on him, or step on his hand. It is dangerous for him and for our employees. It is also fucking disgusting. Don't let your kids run free in restaurants unless there is a ball pit involved. If you are going to let them run around, be prepared for them to come back dirty, injured, or covered in germs. Also be prepared for your waitress (and everyone else working) to fucking hate you.

No fucking way.

Last night and tonight, my bar is having big special events that are basically a couple of our busiest nights all year. Last night I got to go in as a customer. I was sitting at table 41 and there was a couple at table 42, which I was facing. I saw the guy come back from the bathroom and he literally started eating before his butt was even back in his chair. It was strange. Then my friend (a waitress) came over and told me that, "that guy just puked all over the bathroom." He was facing the bathroom and I watched him as he watched people go in and out of the bathroom, trying to fix his mess. His waitress didn't know what to do, because she didn't think he was drunk. However, you don't puke in the SINK and then go back to eating and drinking beer. So my friend, acting as bartender/manager, went over and took the beer away. The guy got really angry and acted like he didn't know why. My friend pointed out that the guy had puked just about everywhere except for the toilet, and we find that unacceptable. The guy got even more angry, because he likely didn't want his date to know what he had done.


Here are some things we can learn from this guy:
1. if you puked in the toilet, we probably wouldn't freak out. maybe you just don't feel well.
2. if you puked in the sink and then told someone (you don't even have to take the blame! just say you found the sink that way) then we would appreciate that.
3a. if you puked in the sink and tried to pretend you didn't, you're going to get cut off.
3b. if you get cut off for puking in the sink, just fucking accept it. fighting it makes you seem belligerent and that makes us all the more happy to take your beer away.

You've got to be kidding me.

Unless your friend is in a well and Lassie himself is calling, don't answer your phone while you're in the middle of placing your order.

Today I had a table that started off kind of rude; I said "Hey, how are you doing today?" and got back, "Uh, I'll take a water." Okay, you don't like small talk. I don't either, so let's just put that behind us. Then I brought the waters and the two people continued to chat with each other and didn't even acknowledge me, so I walked away. I tried a couple more times, walking away after being ignored for a good 30 seconds. Eventually they looked ready, so I jumped on the opportunity and went to take their orders. The man wasn't overly polite but whatever, we got through his order. The woman started ordering a salad, her phone started ringing, the man pointed it out, and she answered it. I stood there patiently but intently staring at her, because she hadn't told me what dressing she wanted. After a good chunk of phone call, I turned to the man and said, "I need to know what kind of dressing she wants." The man got her attention and I asked, she answered me, and then she apologized to the person on the phone.

Oh, you're in a rush? Let's all cater to that.

Customers sometimes let me know that they don't have a lot of time. That's fine, it lets me know that I should bring boxes or drop the check while they're still eating and they think I'm being helpful rather than rude.

It's okay to let me know that you are in a hurry. It's not okay to expect me to put the rest of the restaurant on hold for you.

These people come in every week, several times a week, for lunch. They tip $3-4 dollars no matter how large their bill is or how hard you work for them. They think they are hot shit just because they come in a lot. Today they took their time ordering* and then said, "but we have to be back next door at one, so we only have a half an hour... tell the kitchen to put a rush on it." What? I have five tables ahead of you and the other server does too, those people will not wait longer for their food because you are in a rush and didn't come prepared. If you need food that fast, go to McDonald's.


*We email a copy of our specials to [a list that i know they are on] every week, they certainly could have decided on lunch before they even came in.

Open your mouth when you speak, close it to eat.

Please don't mumble at me.

I can't even tell you how often (usually during lunch, rather than dinner, but I haven't figured out why) customers will try to order while they are facing away from me and covering their mouth. I thought you learn by second grade that this is a rude practice. I can't hear you and I really hate having to ask over and over what you said. Even if you make this mistake initially, fix it after the first, "I'm sorry, what was that?" Okay? Thank you.

Babies.

I understand that my job is to serve you and clean up after you. I do. I understand that I (or a busser) have to clear your dishes, take your mess, and clean the table after you leave. I also have to vacuum certain parts of the restaurant, depending on which shift I am working.  These aren't my favorite aspects of my job, but I accept them. To a point.

Just don't be an asshole.

Two women came in with their babies today and each had several containers of food for their respective kid. One of them happened to have teeny pieces of pasta, which she threw every-fucking-where. The mom made absolutely no effort to keep the kid from doing this. There were chunks of food ground into the carpet. Because they brought the kids food from home, the bill was pretty low, and they tipped solely based on that. They didn't take into account the extra work I did for them (which was a fair amount, compared to my other tables) or the extra work I would be left with once they were gone. In case you're taking notes, these are things you should take into account.

And your baby-related tip today: If your kid thinks it is hilarious and awesome to take every little packet out of our sugar caddy, it wouldn't kill you to try to put it back in some reasonable order when they are done. Or better yet, don't let your kids play with this stuff. It is messy and gross and annoying. We have toys, books, and coloring pages to keep them entertained if you can't bother to do that yourself. We go through each table every day to make sure the sugars are well stocked and looking neat. It is really obnoxious to have to refill them entirely after children get their hands on them.

 Last night I made over $40/hour. That is all.