Oh, you're in a rush? Let's all cater to that.

Customers sometimes let me know that they don't have a lot of time. That's fine, it lets me know that I should bring boxes or drop the check while they're still eating and they think I'm being helpful rather than rude.

It's okay to let me know that you are in a hurry. It's not okay to expect me to put the rest of the restaurant on hold for you.

These people come in every week, several times a week, for lunch. They tip $3-4 dollars no matter how large their bill is or how hard you work for them. They think they are hot shit just because they come in a lot. Today they took their time ordering* and then said, "but we have to be back next door at one, so we only have a half an hour... tell the kitchen to put a rush on it." What? I have five tables ahead of you and the other server does too, those people will not wait longer for their food because you are in a rush and didn't come prepared. If you need food that fast, go to McDonald's.


*We email a copy of our specials to [a list that i know they are on] every week, they certainly could have decided on lunch before they even came in.

Open your mouth when you speak, close it to eat.

Please don't mumble at me.

I can't even tell you how often (usually during lunch, rather than dinner, but I haven't figured out why) customers will try to order while they are facing away from me and covering their mouth. I thought you learn by second grade that this is a rude practice. I can't hear you and I really hate having to ask over and over what you said. Even if you make this mistake initially, fix it after the first, "I'm sorry, what was that?" Okay? Thank you.

Babies.

I understand that my job is to serve you and clean up after you. I do. I understand that I (or a busser) have to clear your dishes, take your mess, and clean the table after you leave. I also have to vacuum certain parts of the restaurant, depending on which shift I am working.  These aren't my favorite aspects of my job, but I accept them. To a point.

Just don't be an asshole.

Two women came in with their babies today and each had several containers of food for their respective kid. One of them happened to have teeny pieces of pasta, which she threw every-fucking-where. The mom made absolutely no effort to keep the kid from doing this. There were chunks of food ground into the carpet. Because they brought the kids food from home, the bill was pretty low, and they tipped solely based on that. They didn't take into account the extra work I did for them (which was a fair amount, compared to my other tables) or the extra work I would be left with once they were gone. In case you're taking notes, these are things you should take into account.

And your baby-related tip today: If your kid thinks it is hilarious and awesome to take every little packet out of our sugar caddy, it wouldn't kill you to try to put it back in some reasonable order when they are done. Or better yet, don't let your kids play with this stuff. It is messy and gross and annoying. We have toys, books, and coloring pages to keep them entertained if you can't bother to do that yourself. We go through each table every day to make sure the sugars are well stocked and looking neat. It is really obnoxious to have to refill them entirely after children get their hands on them.

 Last night I made over $40/hour. That is all.

Shut up.

Seriously, don't yell at the bartenders.

1. We're doing our jobs. While this includes cash exchanges and keeping customers happy, first and foremost is keeping everyone safe and following rules.

2. It is the absolute fastest way to get yourself cut off, short of throwing up in the bar.

I don't know what these people are thinking. We had a big event last night and for some reason it brought in all kinds of douchebags. If you're ordering four martinis and a sambucca on the rocks, and you're standing there alone, we aren't going to just hand it right over. Particularly if someone in your group has already been cut off. Once we catch you clearly sneaking drinks to the person who has been cut off, follow our fucking rules.  It will not ruin your night if everyone has to get up from the table to show their face and claim their drink.

These people were absolutely obnoxious and had no manners, but bartending in a fancy dress was pretty fun.

Alrighty!

For the last week or two, I can't stop saying, "alrighty!" Maybe it comes across as awesomely cheery and great, but holy fuck it's annoying the shit out of me. I can't even imagine what my customers think.

money, money, money, moneyyy

If you have a gift card, just wait the twenty seconds it takes for us to check the balance on it.

Last week, another waitress had a table say, "there's about $25 on the card, the rest is in cash." and the gift card they left was worth $60. they were still at their table when the waitress noticed, but they could have lost out on a good chunk of money.

Last night, my friend and I were bartending and had a few of our weekend regulars pay the same way. Only their giftcard was worth $6 and that left their tip to be $0.82. My friend ran back to give them their change (so maybe they'd notice that they were being assholes) and they quickly got up and left. I suspect that they knew it was so little and figured we'd give them the benefit of the doubt and not hold it against them.

Please don't take up stools in a packed bar for four hours, demand quick drink service, AND order dinner, if you're going to tip like a douchebag. We live off of tips, most of the girl's paychecks are literally $0. Someone else (or many other people, over how long they sat there) could take up that seat and treat us kindly. F yourselves, jerks.