How I'm feeling this week.

First of all- Shut the fuck up about coke vs pepsi.
We have Pepsi products. I don't like them, I understand that you don't like them, but shut the fuck up because I can't change it. That stupid ecard about "Is pepsi okay? ... Is monopoly money okay?" is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen and I can't believe how many waitresses repost it. At the very least, please don't act like I'm Hitler for forcing the wrong kind of soda on you. Here's a thought: just get a water, your body will thank you.

On a soda note, I'm hardcore judging you if your kid is young enough to need a sippy cup and you're letting them fill it with soda. WTF. I don't want to get all Jillian Michaels on you, but really wtf. Your kid has no idea what kind of choice they're making and they won't give a shit if they get something else. Do not let a teeny little kid opt for soda. WTF, for real.

And on that note, I have to be even more judgmental for a second. Last weekend I had a family come in for brunch. They were all fairly heavy but I honestly don't get judgey at surface level- who knows what their story is, and it's not my business. I did, however, start judging when the 8 year old who looked about my size got a soda for breakfast. AND THEN, her mom very proudly said, "we limit her, she's only allowed two desserts." No. Just no.

I realize this is far beyond off topic for waitressing and bartending, but holy fuck the bad choices I witness go far beyond having one too many drinks.

Just don't be a jerk!

There is a middle aged couple that comes in fairly often and they are strange and kind of unpleasant but not quite negative. Just not great. They came in at like 3:30pm today, when it was broad daylight outside and bright and sunny inside the bar. Before I could even try to be friendly, the woman gruffly asked, "can you turn the lights down in here?!" To which I tried to respond, "I can't change the lights but I'll ask my manager." Except she interrupted me to tell me that she had a blinding headache and the lights needed to be turned down.

First of all, if you have a blinding headache, why would you go to a bar?

So I reiterated that I'd ask my manager and asked if they wanted drinks. The husband said, "well why don't you go see about the lights and then we'll tell you?" and in such a tone. Luckily I only had a few other customers at the bar and they were wicked friendly and fun. So I go and get my manager to fix the lights and all I can hear is the woman bitching, the entire hour+ that they were there. Oh, I also heard her make a comment about it being 4:20. So your interests are being a miserable hag and smoking pot? Lovely.

Long story short, I am willing to do most anything for a friendly customer, there is no reason to be horrible and rude!

OJ? No-J.

We used to have a regular who would come in late at night, order an orange juice, and pound it. Then he'd go to the bathroom (secret vodka nips, anyone?). Then he'd get another OJ and pound it. He was eccentric but not bothersome.

(Part of the story I didn't know about at the time: he once came in with a huge sword and tried showing it off before he was asked to leave.)

A month or two back, he had two OJs and his credit card was declined. My coworker (R) was working alone that night and the man never paid. He came back the next week and R was working alone again, the guy asked for an OJ and R told him that he could have it if he paid for the two he already owed for. The guy went nuts, yelling and being generally inappropriate.

Then it happened again the next week.

A few weeks ago, the guy came in while I was bartending alone and I had about four people at my bar, luckily all my friends. He made a big show of asking for R, then paying for two OJs. He hollered and made a scene about how he "PAYS [HIS] TABS!" and then left.

Last night he came back and R refused to serve him anything and the guy flipped out again. I seriously spent the rest of my night worrying about this crazypants coming back with his sword! Hopefully we don't see him anymore.

Good job, grownup.

My coworker refused to serve a woman the other night, and the man with her acknowledged that she didn't need to be served but asked about himself. He was also refused. The two got up and walked out and the woman gave us the two-finger salute the whole way through the bar and out the door.

Thanks for reminding us how right we were to refuse you. Good job being a productive human being, I'm sure you have a lot of good karma coming your way.

You fancy, huh?

Please don't assume that you are hot shit and we will be impressed with you just because you live in a big city.

People from out of town always act like they're friggin Matthew Broderick (...or someone more famous) walking into our little bar. In the last month or so we've had someone from ~*~*~LA~~*~* and yesterday someone from New York. They both acted like total asses, drinking like crazy and acting shocked when we slowed them down.

No, you cannot just keep putting back jameson like it's no big deal. No, you cannot order a bunch of drinks with no sign of anyone else to drink them. No, we don't give a shit who you are.

Saturday night I was sitting at the bar, being a customer, when this NY guy started chatting me up. Next thing you know, he's trying to argue with the bartender and I feel the need to step in. I politely explained exactly how and why he was a jackass and how much we love our jobs but have to follow rules. I think I ruined his flirting. I wasn't interested anyhow. Sorry, bro!

Weird.

Last night a guy in his early twenties came in and ordered a beer. I asked for his ID and it had VOID stamped into it in little holes. I said, "..I can't take this ID" and he sadly asked why. I explained that it was literally void (which I've never even heard of happening) and he was actually a little surprised somehow. He had a temporary ID, pulled out a paper ID and asked if I could take that. Sometimes we can do expired ID plus new paper copy if it's in like the one week window between hard copies, so I went to ask my boss. On my way to her, I realized the paper ID had no picture and said in plain writing that it was not any type of valid ID. Poor guy. I went back to explain that and, lucky for him, he finally pulled out his passport.

Also, never fucking ever blow a whistle inside a bar, especially while a musician is performing. Douches.

Turn offs: Red faces and bad tipping.

Sunday night I was bartending and two guys in their early 20s came in. One seemed fine, the other seemed like he'd already been drinking. I gave them one beer each and then decided that was enough, so I politely and quietly cut them off. First, the one who initially seemed fine said, "is it because we look drunk? I worked out today so my face is red." Oh, okay, does working out also make you slur your speech? All done. Then they left and I realized that one had left me no tip and the other had left a quarter.

Turns out, the $0.00 tip had a crush on the girl a few stools over and kept texting her to hang out. Also turns out, I ended up making friends with her and her friends that night. They heard me telling someone about the $0.25 tip and asked if it was those guys. The girl told the guy off and they left me a big tip to make up for the guys. Lovely, ladies!