Children: always a problem.

Please don't let your kids move from your table to a free table so that they can spread out a game all over the place and get out of your hair. Do you know where they go when they get out of your hair? Right into mine.

First of all, you are taking up and dirtying two separate tables. That means I am losing a table from my section, which may mean that I miss out on new guests (and their tips) if the rest of my section fills up. But of course I can't go over and ask you to move your children, because then you might get huffy and upset. Then someone has to clean both tables. That is just irritating.

Second, do you know what keeps children behaving in public? Fear of their parents. When they are at their own table they eat slower, make bigger messes, and become louder and more annoying. I'm glad you are comfortable a table away, enjoying your childless meal, but the least you could do is keep them quiet.

A Repeat Offender.

http://servingandsmiling.blogspot.com/2012/02/and-i-repeat.html
Remember that guy? In summary: he wasn't even cut off, we just told him he couldn't have so many straight drinks so quickly. He threw a tantrum, wadded up his check and money, and threw it at me. Real charmer, that guy.

Well he struck again. Last week there was a table of very fun, nice people, who happened to drink too much. They were shut off and it seemed like no big deal... Until that guy stepped in. He tried to buy a bunch of shots from the bar and the bartender realized they were for the group that had been shut off. The bartender and manager tried to explain to him why he couldn't have the shots and he ended up screaming in their faces. Completely belligerent and aggressive, and totally inappropriate. Why does he seem to think this is a useful response?!?! Good job making a fool of yourself, guy... And in the end all it got him was embarrassed and blacklisted.

"I went in, I peed, I left."

If you are cut off, please don't get drinks from other people. We're watching you and it's a real pain in the ass to have to call you out in front of your friends. It's even worse if you're picking up mystery drinks from tables. Just give up, have a water, and be grateful that we're saving you from a more severe hangover than you've already earned.

The other night, a local bar closed for the season. A large group of employees came into my bar at the end of the night. One girl was shut off before she even reached a table, because she was so visibly drunk. She sat with a water and ate politely, but was overheard talking shit. Whatever, drunk people can be a little rude. A few hours later, I walked past and heard her still slurring. I was actually pretty surprised that she was still such a mess.

At some point, my boss cleaned a mess off the mirror. She thought it was water splashes, but realized it was actually a ton of our liquid hand soap.

Another hour or so later, I finished work and was having a glass of wine at the bar.  I noticed the girl drinking a beer, still looking pretty sloppy. My boss was at the other end of the bar, so I texted her, "is that girl allowed to drink now? she has a beer." Remember, these people work in a bar. You'd think they'd know better! By the time my boss got the text and came over, the girl was gone. My boss checked the bathroom and was pretty sure the girl was just peeing, but hung around to make sure she didn't come out with a beer. When the girl came out, my boss went back into the bathroom... and again, the mirror was covered in soap. The mirror was clean, then the girl was in there, then the mirror was messy. My boss went over to the girl and said, "what is your deal with our mirror?!" And the girl replied tersely, "I went in, I peed, I left." So my boss laughed at her and walked away.

Eventually another girl went in and cleaned up the mirror and apologized to my boss for her friend's behavior. How embarrassing.

Fact: Most toddlers hate restaurants. All restaurant workers hate toddlers in restaurants.

At 9pm Sunday night, two women came in with two children, each around 3 years old. They were immediately loud and asked for a table "far from anyone else." The women ordered $48 worth of food while the two children ran around half of the restaurant, bothering other customers and nearly knocking into several waitresses. I've written about this before, super fucking unsafe. The kids screamed the entire time they were there and the women were heard saying things like, "sit the fuck down" and "eat your fucking food" to these little kids. Very classy, ladies. We were waiting for them to feel embarrassed and leave, but they took their time eating. Their waitress even offered to box their food up. No, they just kept eating. And ignoring their children. In the end, they left a $2 tip on their $48 bill and a substantial mess all around their table. The table was originally supposed to be mine and I didn't want it, so I snuck $10 onto the table for the poor waitress who had to deal with them.

Dear parents/babysitters/every customer,
Be a little classier and more considerate please!

Just Another Manic... Sunday.

Tonight was a little crazy, especially for a Sunday. The restaurant was packed from the time I walked in (3:30) until 11. I was the pub waitress, which meant I had 6-10 tables that were seated at random, sometimes a few all at once. Truth be told, I got a little frazzled.

Most of my customers were at least tolerable. I had quite a few rude guests tonight, but the rest were neutral, polite, or better. However, I had one fucking crazy lady. She stayed for about 4 hours and it took about 2 for anyone else to believe that she was a creep weirdo. Then they all interacted with her and came rushing to tell me the strange shit she did. And I felt so validated.

Here are some quick "what not to do"s we can learn from her:

1. Order beers for other people.

•  These people would like to make their own choices. Although you may love Bud Light, they would like the opportunity to order a nice microbrew. Please let them do so; I don't want to stand around while they set you straight.

2. Order drinks that  aren't actually for anyone.

• Turns out, you just love yelling out drinks. Then suddenly someone tells me your table wants two rusty nails (and who the fuck drinks those anyway?) but we bring them over and can only find a home for one. Way to go, lady.

3. Assume that you will not be shut off.

• The only polite woman at the table asked for another martini. Crazy bitch interrupted, "of course she'll get you one, she's not going to say no!" Uh.. what? Have you never been to a bar before? I can and will shut you off if need be, and you're lucky that you closed out when you did because we'd already decided you could only have one more. :)

4. Yell about how you've "been here for 8 hours and only had 4 glasses of wine"

• You've been here for 3 hours and had 5 glasses of wine, we thought that was an okay pace before, but now we're watching you like a hawk. Just shut up.

5. Grab your waitress.

• DO NOT TOUCH ME!! She grabbed my arm (gently at first, sure, but still, don't fucking touch me) and held onto my wrist the entire time she ordered drinks (for everyone at the table, even though they then said they didn't even want them) I was not going to walk away, there was no reason to trap me there. It filled me with rage. It did her no good. It gave me concrete reason to consider shutting her off.

6.  Crowd 9 chairs around a table that seats 4.

• It's annoying enough when a fifth person sits at the end of the table and you have to squeeze by... This lady went around the bar taking chairs from any table that had one free. My other customers even complained about her.. it sucked. Then when someone in her group said, "well we need to leave room for the waitresses to get by" she responded, "oh they'll just get by" What? We're skinny girls but we can't squeeze through where there is no opening. This is what convinced me that this lady was delusional. Then they spread out... Now servers can't get through, especially with trays, and other customers are put out. Not awesome, not awesome at all.

 7. Walk behind the bar to pay your tab.

• ...Especially when your tab is not even with the bar. This lady not only went up to the bar with her check (when she wasn't even the one paying...) but she walked the entire length behind the bar. Hello, not okay!!! You are not allowed back there, psycho. She found my manager at the other end and said, "sorry for coming back here!" What? No, you had no need to go back there and you decided to, I don't see any remorse there.

Thank goodness two other people in the group paid the tab... I think they realized how much of a horrible miserable pain in the ass she was, because I got more than 33% tip, even though I knocked over a glass of water when I dropped off the check. :)

WHOOOOOSH ZOOOOM BEEEEP

If you have an annoying ring tone, you turn it the fuck off in public. Period.

We have a guy who regularly comes in for lunch, with his ringtone on full blast. It is louder than any ringtone I've ever heard, aside from my phone's alarm. His ringtone happens to sound like shooting lasers. A lot of lasers. Holy fucking obnoxious, Batman. Turn that shit off.

And I Repeat...

I know we've gone over this before. Maybe even twice. But it doesn't seem to have sunk in yet. Read this carefully, then tell your friends. Tell them to tell their friends. Remember chain letters? It's like that, "send this to five people or you'll have bad luck continue to be a douchebag customer."

If you are shut off, arguing WILL NOT help your cause! First of all, it's a decision we rarely back down from. Second, being rude to us is a sign of belligerence and that is a sign of intoxication. So then you're extra cut off. Absolutely never swear at us, you're on the road to getting kicked out. We had a regular (who we all recognize by face and name) throw a tantrum last night that included yelling, "fuck yourself" at a bartender during family dinner hours. Do you think that got him anywhere? No.

After you've been cut off and yelled at us and thrown a sufficient tantrum, just get out. Keep whatever dignity you have left and just escape the scene. Do not, for any reason, crumple up your bill and some cash and throw it at the bartender. Particularly the bartender who had nothing to do with the scene you just caused. It makes you look like a fucking child, and we will remember. Forever.