Fact: Most toddlers hate restaurants. All restaurant workers hate toddlers in restaurants.

At 9pm Sunday night, two women came in with two children, each around 3 years old. They were immediately loud and asked for a table "far from anyone else." The women ordered $48 worth of food while the two children ran around half of the restaurant, bothering other customers and nearly knocking into several waitresses. I've written about this before, super fucking unsafe. The kids screamed the entire time they were there and the women were heard saying things like, "sit the fuck down" and "eat your fucking food" to these little kids. Very classy, ladies. We were waiting for them to feel embarrassed and leave, but they took their time eating. Their waitress even offered to box their food up. No, they just kept eating. And ignoring their children. In the end, they left a $2 tip on their $48 bill and a substantial mess all around their table. The table was originally supposed to be mine and I didn't want it, so I snuck $10 onto the table for the poor waitress who had to deal with them.

Dear parents/babysitters/every customer,
Be a little classier and more considerate please!

Just Another Manic... Sunday.

Tonight was a little crazy, especially for a Sunday. The restaurant was packed from the time I walked in (3:30) until 11. I was the pub waitress, which meant I had 6-10 tables that were seated at random, sometimes a few all at once. Truth be told, I got a little frazzled.

Most of my customers were at least tolerable. I had quite a few rude guests tonight, but the rest were neutral, polite, or better. However, I had one fucking crazy lady. She stayed for about 4 hours and it took about 2 for anyone else to believe that she was a creep weirdo. Then they all interacted with her and came rushing to tell me the strange shit she did. And I felt so validated.

Here are some quick "what not to do"s we can learn from her:

1. Order beers for other people.

•  These people would like to make their own choices. Although you may love Bud Light, they would like the opportunity to order a nice microbrew. Please let them do so; I don't want to stand around while they set you straight.

2. Order drinks that  aren't actually for anyone.

• Turns out, you just love yelling out drinks. Then suddenly someone tells me your table wants two rusty nails (and who the fuck drinks those anyway?) but we bring them over and can only find a home for one. Way to go, lady.

3. Assume that you will not be shut off.

• The only polite woman at the table asked for another martini. Crazy bitch interrupted, "of course she'll get you one, she's not going to say no!" Uh.. what? Have you never been to a bar before? I can and will shut you off if need be, and you're lucky that you closed out when you did because we'd already decided you could only have one more. :)

4. Yell about how you've "been here for 8 hours and only had 4 glasses of wine"

• You've been here for 3 hours and had 5 glasses of wine, we thought that was an okay pace before, but now we're watching you like a hawk. Just shut up.

5. Grab your waitress.

• DO NOT TOUCH ME!! She grabbed my arm (gently at first, sure, but still, don't fucking touch me) and held onto my wrist the entire time she ordered drinks (for everyone at the table, even though they then said they didn't even want them) I was not going to walk away, there was no reason to trap me there. It filled me with rage. It did her no good. It gave me concrete reason to consider shutting her off.

6.  Crowd 9 chairs around a table that seats 4.

• It's annoying enough when a fifth person sits at the end of the table and you have to squeeze by... This lady went around the bar taking chairs from any table that had one free. My other customers even complained about her.. it sucked. Then when someone in her group said, "well we need to leave room for the waitresses to get by" she responded, "oh they'll just get by" What? We're skinny girls but we can't squeeze through where there is no opening. This is what convinced me that this lady was delusional. Then they spread out... Now servers can't get through, especially with trays, and other customers are put out. Not awesome, not awesome at all.

 7. Walk behind the bar to pay your tab.

• ...Especially when your tab is not even with the bar. This lady not only went up to the bar with her check (when she wasn't even the one paying...) but she walked the entire length behind the bar. Hello, not okay!!! You are not allowed back there, psycho. She found my manager at the other end and said, "sorry for coming back here!" What? No, you had no need to go back there and you decided to, I don't see any remorse there.

Thank goodness two other people in the group paid the tab... I think they realized how much of a horrible miserable pain in the ass she was, because I got more than 33% tip, even though I knocked over a glass of water when I dropped off the check. :)

WHOOOOOSH ZOOOOM BEEEEP

If you have an annoying ring tone, you turn it the fuck off in public. Period.

We have a guy who regularly comes in for lunch, with his ringtone on full blast. It is louder than any ringtone I've ever heard, aside from my phone's alarm. His ringtone happens to sound like shooting lasers. A lot of lasers. Holy fucking obnoxious, Batman. Turn that shit off.

And I Repeat...

I know we've gone over this before. Maybe even twice. But it doesn't seem to have sunk in yet. Read this carefully, then tell your friends. Tell them to tell their friends. Remember chain letters? It's like that, "send this to five people or you'll have bad luck continue to be a douchebag customer."

If you are shut off, arguing WILL NOT help your cause! First of all, it's a decision we rarely back down from. Second, being rude to us is a sign of belligerence and that is a sign of intoxication. So then you're extra cut off. Absolutely never swear at us, you're on the road to getting kicked out. We had a regular (who we all recognize by face and name) throw a tantrum last night that included yelling, "fuck yourself" at a bartender during family dinner hours. Do you think that got him anywhere? No.

After you've been cut off and yelled at us and thrown a sufficient tantrum, just get out. Keep whatever dignity you have left and just escape the scene. Do not, for any reason, crumple up your bill and some cash and throw it at the bartender. Particularly the bartender who had nothing to do with the scene you just caused. It makes you look like a fucking child, and we will remember. Forever.

Something positive!

To all two of my subscribers, I'm sorry that I've been gone so long. I had some big bad things happen in my real life, and I lost track of this dumb thing. But, I'm back, and I hope I'll stay back.

And I come back with something positive... eventually.

I worked the bar three nights last week and dealt with some real idiots (including a stellar display of sexual harassment from one of my regulars). I'll let that go for now, it's less funny and more fucking annoying. Last night, again, I dealt with some real idiots. I don't want to drag their stupidity out too long, so I will just say:

-If we are saying that we need to see a person for every drink, please don't say, "well I brought two empty glasses up.. doesn't that count?" What? No, it doesn't. The point of seeing a person for every drink is to not only make sure that we don't give you two drinks; we also need to make sure that the second drink isn't going to someone who is underage or already intoxicated. It's important, I promise.

-If we both ID you, roll with it. There are two of us and we don't just assume that the other one checked you. Though I do owe a special apology to the table I checked twice...

-If you work in the restaurant, don't take advantage of us. We will serve you a little more than a stranger, but if you take it too far we have no problem cutting you off. Don't be a douchebag.. especially twice in one week.

-If you are in charge of booking the music, don't get shit-housed and try to sing for them. Everyone wants you to shut the fuck up.

-If your bill is $88+ and you are angry that you were cut off and that you were 3 minutes too late to buy a growler, it is not our fault. A $0 tip is absurd and we will remember you. (I honestly remember this guy's full name because it is the same as my childhood best friends little brother... good luck next time you come in.)

But now on the good side!!
After all of this (and more, but it is more aggravating and less funny) I had some guy order a drink a little while after last call. It was early enough to count it, so I said, "well it's last call so I can get you one, but that's it." He was fine with it, but then muttered to himself, "I probably shouldn't even have one more." I braced myself and said, "I can't give you another drink after you say that you shouldn't have anymore." I really was waiting for him to just lose it on me. It felt like forever but really was probably ten seconds before he laughed and said, "that's why I like you!" I couldn't even hold back and said an awkward, "thank you so much for being nice!" It rounded off my night in the best way... aside from sitting down with a glass of wine and counting tips.

Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

Some interesting things happened at work this past Friday. First, the pizza cook was arrested, straight off of the line. Apparently he had an outstanding warrant in my home town. This was exciting enough, but you won't even believe what happened next. Dim the lights, get comfy, enjoy.

Police come in the front door, waitresses panic. They get the attention of a manager and ask her for (we'll call him Al.) Al. She goes to Al and says, "What's your last name?" He answers and she says, "Well the police want to talk to you." Al seems entirely unsurprised, but understandably annoyed. The police then take him out of the kitchen and walk him through the restaurant and bar, out the front doors, and place him under arrest outside. While this is going on, pizzas are in the oven.

My "hey come get food" buzzer goes off and I run up, expecting a beautiful pizza. I find a charred pizza in its place. I looked at the replacement pizza cook and tried to give him shit for it, before interrupting myself with the realization that this pizza was a victim of Al's arrest. I decide that half of the pizza is salvagable, so I run down to inform my customer. This customer happened to be sitting at the very first table in the bar, facing our front door.

The following conversation ensues:

Me: So... we ran into a bit of an issue with our pizza cook!
Customer: (gesturing towards the police car outside) Was that him?
Me: Well yes, and your pizza is a bit burnt.
Customer: The only reason I'm even here is because I hit a deer and my car got towed down the street. I'm just having a bad night.
Me: Not as bad as him! (pointing again towards the police car)

He was a fantastic sport and we laughed it off while i explained that he would get his half pizza, plus a whole new pizza, all for free for the inconvenience. He decided he couldn't take the extra pizza because he was getting picked up, but he was happy anyway. When he was ready for his bill, I brought it over; he owed $8.50 for two beers. I walked a lap around the restaurant and when I returned, he was gone. On top of his check was a $100.

Totally awesome.

I didn't think this needed to be said.

Please, please, don't sexually harass your waitress. Especially in front of your family.