Seriously. What the fuck.

This week in "Are You Fucking Kidding Me?!" news:

Tonight I walked up to a table (a couple with two children) with some drinks, and it seemed that the husband had no idea I was there- for a moment, I was invisible. I'm sure of it, and I'll be working on my superhero costume for the rest of the weekend.

When I first went to this table, the husband and son were in the bathroom. The wife ordered drinks, I went and got them, and I returned at pretty much the same time as the guys. They sat down as I started handing out drinks and the husband looked at the wife and said, "The bathroom was atrocious so he (son) pissed on the floor."

I did not exist to him at this moment. I'm sure of it. He never looked at me and he had no shame. I handed out the drinks and told them (the wife really) that I'd give them a minute with the menus. They showed no shame.

First of all, my "task" today was bathrooms. Literally ten minutes earlier, I was in the men's room cleaning up. I wiped down the counter and made sure that there was no trash on the floor. So "atrocious" may have been a stretch, douchebag. Meanwhile, I ran to my boss and he went into the men's room to check on it and clean up if need be. True story: there was actually a fucking puddle of pee in front of the toilet.

I continued waiting on this table and they made no more mention of it and showed no visible sign of good manners or respect. They tipped me $11 on a $60 bill; not awful, but you let your fucking kid piss on the floor. Come on now.

Awesome!

Sorry about the lapse, sometimes life gets in the way. Anyhow-

Yesterday I was waitressing lunch and three teenage boys came in; they were definitely the "punk" looking types, but friendly.  Generally, teenagers in my restaurant are kind of rude and bad customers, because they just don't get it. Not that it's an excuse, but that's the case usually.

The boys each got a mountain dew and wanted 25 cent wings. First I had to make them move tables, because they were in the dining room and happy hour is only in the bar. They were great and brought everything from the table with them- People always leave all of that stuff for me to re-serve to them! They each had like three soda refills and they were super polite and grateful every time I brought one. They were just good kids.

When they left, I went back to the table and found that they had put all of their trash onto one plate so they could stack them all up neatly, and they arranged their NINE soda cups in a nice little square. ADORABLE. They also left me a $10 tip on a $25 bill.

Thank you, boys with strange haircuts, for restoring my faith in teenagers :)

It's been quite a week.

First of all, if you are going to lay across your table to make out during dinnertime, please tip more than 8%. A $5 tip on a $60 bill is unacceptable, period.

Now, moving on. I have "Please see ID" on the back of my debit cards, as do many of my customers. I have it for a purpose. I do not want someone else to be able to run into a store or restaurant and use my card, duh. Whenever I run a debit or credit card, I look at the back. If it is signed or blank, I just go for it. If it asks for an ID, I check the name and ask for an ID.

The other day, a guy came in to pick up some to go food. I looked at the back of the ID and saw the request, and as I was turning to ask him for ID I realized it was a woman's name. He said, "well it's my girlfriend's card. Do you want to talk to her?" And motioned to his phone. Well no, speaking to someone over the phone isn't a valid ID.

I felt like I should not take the card, but went to check with my manager. She agreed, and I went back to inform the guy. He got real sassy and said, "she sent me to pick up the food, so she isn't here." And asked again if I wanted him to call her. Being that I could call just about anyone and say, "hey, say your name is (blank)!" I reiterated that either his girlfriend could come show ID, or he could pay in another form.

Eventually he stormed out and she showed up within 30 seconds, what a hassle for them! Later in the night, he called to speak to a manager. He swore at her and was generally unpleasant before hanging up on her. Protip: no one is going to take your complaints seriously if you are throwing a temper tantrum.

You chose to write "See ID" on your card and I did as you wished. You're welcome, bitches.

There IS Good in the World!

Last night I bartended and most of the night was smooth and easy.  Towards the end of the night, three older guys came in and one of them went from zero to obnoxious in two coors lights. He became rude and loud and stupid, and I did my best not to tell him to shut the hell up :) There was a nice young couple sitting nearby who gave me several sympathetic looks and were generally lovely.

The young couple left money on their tab and told me it was all set,  and the boyfriend thanked me for being great. I looked back and said, "thank you for being lovely!" and he laughed. As they were leaving, I picked up their tab and saw that it said

Sorry about them ---->
We feel your pain

Hilarious and adorable, I shot them another look and a loud thank you and they laughed and left. Upon closing their tab, I realized they left me a $20 tip on a $50 bill.

And with that, they restored my faith in humanity. And in humor. :)

Reflects Attitude.

I recently had a busy lunch shift waitressing. As I was greeting a table, the woman suddenly got very huffy about something and said that she touched something sticky under the table. I immediately offered wetnaps and ran to get them. Really though, you're a grown ass lady- get up and wash your hands. I got her the wetnaps, then got them drinks, answered several questions in a helpful manner and took their order, all as usual. As I was taking the menus away she pointed to her pile of gross napkins and said, "you need to take these." with a dismissive hand gesture. Okay, great, because the table next to you looks like they need something but I'm not going over there with this in my hand. I took all of her garbage (and she never actually washed her hands!) and realized that she probably thought she was above me. I remained polite and cordial (but I didn't push being friendly on her because she wasn't having it) and their food came out quickly and accurate to their order. Things went alright, we just weren't BFFs.

They paid their bill and left quickly and I just felt it. I could feel it right away. Not only would I not get a good tip, I was guessing she left me a bitchy little note.

Their credit card tip read, "Reflects service." and under it, she repeated the exact cost of their lunch for the total. Here's the thing- fuck you. The service was adequate, polite, and professional. You just didn't like me.

We Are Not Friends.

Lately I've had a lot of interrupters. People who just scream demands at me while I'm clearly in the midst of helping someone else. You are rude. I understand not wanting to wait more than thirty goddamned seconds for something, but really now. Come on.

The worst of these are the people who ask regulars what my name is and then proceed to scream it. Are you kidding me? You're not helping your cause, and you're pissing me off. I walk up and down the bar looking at every customer and checking on everyone as soon as I have a free second, so please do not scream my name and your demand when I'm clearly busy, if you can be the teensiest bit patient I will do my best to get to you in the next minute. Fucking relax.

Poor Dumb Idiot.

Tonight I had a couple guys come in who seemed a little stupid and maybe trashy, but harmless. I gave them each a beer and they got some food, and then someone else served them a couple of beers each. After that third round, my boss came over to me to warn me about some drunk guys at my bar.

The worse of the two tried ordering more beers and I said, "I think you guys are all set for tonight." and they seemed to handle it well, but I think they just had delayed reaction times by this point. The worse then says, "Well can we at least get our tab then?!" The thing is, we keep tabs in front of every customer at all times. When they got their very first beers, I put a tab in a little cup in front of them and told them it was their tab. Then I ordered their food, threw away their tab, printed a new one, and put that one in front of them. I turned away to put something on the shelf behind me and I hear this incredulous, "EXCUSE ME! I don't think this is my tab."

I turned around to see this dumbass looking at our wine list, which is in a leather bound book and clearly has headings like "Red Wine" and "Coffee Drinks" on each page. I couldn't slow my mouth down and spit out, "Well yeah, that's a wine list." ....And then my other customers openly laughed.

After complaining to my boss about being cut off, the other guy ended up yelling at me and making an ass of himself, proving only further that I was right to cut them off. But in the end, the wine list idiot wins as the highlight of my night and I'm not even upset that these trashy jerks caused a scene and tipped me zero dollars on their $60+ tab.